Control

On my way into work this morning I was listening to a podcast.  My listening behaviors or tastes are all over the place. I find myself listening to various genres on Audible (I welcome your suggestions in the comments, PLEASE!), both fiction and non-fiction, as well as pretty much any type of music depending on my mood or situation.  Podcasts have begun to creep in there because I have been enjoying the personalization of the messaging.  

Again, this morning while driving into work there was a discussion about self discovery and being able to let go to the point where we allow experiences to come into our lives.  To gain more control over our life we must relinquish enough control for growth and experiences that can help mold and shape us into something new and better.

I then began to think about diapers and how they factor into “control.”  The premise itself that I like to wear diapers, and that I choose to wear them is a form of control.  The itch in the side of my brain was that diapers are typically used to control something out of control.  The primary purpose of a diaper is to help someone with something they have not mastered. One more reason that I find my affinity for diapers to be so weird.  In my search for control and growth I turn to something that allows regression and loss of control.

While mulling over that idea with the podcast still playing in the background I then began thinking that we leverage diapers to gain control over some other aspect of our lives.  While there are so many commonalities in adult babies and diapers lovers we each choose to tape (or pin) diapers on for different reasons. In my decades of internal searching I haven’t been able to pin down a moment where I definitively said, “yup, that’s the reason I like to put diapers on.”  I have never known any different, but I am open to believing that something shaped or caused me to reach for that first diaper and relish in the relief that it brought me. In all of my searching I don’t know if I had that answer it would change my desire to wear. Perhaps it would, but my shift of focus from “Why” I wear to how they can help me has brought a different perspective to my life in diapers.  Search for your why, but please don’t let it consume you or cause too much pain.  I know that I spent way too much time growing up, shaming myself because is what I saw in the mirror.

Here I sit today, padded, and typing at a keyboard.  I don’t always know why I reach for diapers, but I know that I feel comfort and peace where I am right now.  They bring me to a place where I can be a better me in the moment.

We are all the same, and all so different at the same time.  Yet, I think we are all searching for control of something in our life through diapers.  We each are hoping to cope, control, and condition ourselves through the use of diapers. In my search for balance I try very hard not to lean on diapers too much.  I don’t want them to be the first and only thing I turn to when any part of my life gets hard. While I am an adult baby, I don’t want to be that big of a baby. 🙂 We must be able to cope with our stress and circumstance in a way that allows growth.  

In your own search for what diapers mean to you I hope that you are able to dial in what that balance is for you.  I do not believe that total regression and omission of reality is healthy. I love my family, and all the other aspects of my life too much to put myself in that place.  Diapers do serve a purpose for me. Some fun and some therapeutic. I would be remiss if I didn’t say that part of my likes to wear diapers. Perhaps it is comfort and security that brings a smile to my face, but I feel good wearing them.  That is something that I’ve never been able to shake through various binge/purge cycles.  I always come back to them in some form or faction when I have needed them.  

I think that ultimately by letting go of some control, and allowing myself to wear a diaper with less shame, I’ve been able to gain more control over my life.  I understand them better, and can speak more intelligently about them with my spouse. By losing some control, I’ve gained control. We are all so different for why we reach for diapers, but we are a community with so much in common.

We all put our diapers on one tape at a time

Photo by Johannes Rapprich from Pexels

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