When we learn to accept and understand ourselves, we are able to begin speaking “our” language. The language of who we truly are. Finding our own voice, and learning how to articulate that to first ourselves and then others will empower us to become better people.
This concept came from my little sister who, at the time, was beginning to learn a new language. What she said resonated with me in a way that she hadn’t intended. For the past two decades I had been hearing a voice in my head speaking to me about my affinity for wearing diapers. That one-sided conversation, I know now, can feel toxic because I would constantly beat myself up about the “why” behind my wearing. Over and over, I would shame myself because of what I was doing. I became more and more accustomed to that voice, the way that I was speaking to myself, because I didn’t know any better. I didn’t know then, and still do not know today, why I reach for diapers. Why that connects me with calming and peaceful emotions.
In the last year, I have learned to speak a new language. I have found my voice with diapers. That voice emerged when I was able to vocalize to someone I loved for the first time that part of myself. I learned so much in those conversations. I know that I didn’t say the right things, and I thank my wife constantly that she has hung on for the ride. It was in those moments that I was discovering almost as much about myself as she was.
Another huge moment for me was the first time that I was able to say, “I like to wear diapers.” It meant something to me, and didn’t feel inherently toxic when I said it. I am still learning to love all of myself, and there are those days when the shame will come. I will catch myself in the mirror, and just shake my head. I know I am aberrant. I’m not “normal” in that part of my life, but I strive daily to help diapers be a tool for a better, overall me.
I’m learning to speak my language, and also learning the language of my little-side. Little by little I feel I am getting better, but I still have so much apprehension that I’m headed down the wrong path. I worry so much this will all blow up in my face. I share that with everyone because I can only imagine others are feeling it too. Cling to those who love you, and LISTEN to them. Make sure you keep those lines of communication open and completely honest.