Baby Steps

By far the most eye-opening and revelatory thing I have learned since the series of conversations that my wife and I have had is “baby steps.”  I have lived with diapers in some fashion for more than thirty years that I can recall. My wife has known about it for about four. Much of that time has been passive avoidance (not on purpose by either of us, life just moved on).  I told her in a moment when we were sharing another one of my “big three” and I told her that I was going to give her everything that day. She had known about the other one for roughly a year before this conversation, and I had not planned on giving her the second one that day. Our conversation during a long drive was inviting to give another large part of myself to her, and I did.  There was no appropriate or smooth Segway into the final of the three things, but I did. I prepped her only with the statement that after this she would know everything about me. It was then, in broken sentences that I said something to the effect that I liked to wear diapers.

At the root of it, in my mind, that was it. Bottom line, I liked diapers. Even after more than two decades of living with it and interacting with it, that is all I could vocalize. There was some quiet, and I do not remember talking much more about it. Lucky enough for us, we ended up sitting on an Interstate for about an hour waiting for an automobile accident, and we literally got to sit in the car staring out the windows.  It wasn’t completely awkward or painful, but it was a big comment, and neither of us knew what to do after that. What did we do? Nothing. A long time went by, and nothing else changed, aside from me slowly depleting the stock of Depend that I had purchased at a steep discount from a CVS as the Maximum Fitted Brief was phased out and discontinued. It was then that I began to wear differently, as I had to find something new. That part of my story is not what I want to focus on here.  Back to baby steps.

What I mean by baby steps is the culmination of hours of conversations that we have had in the past few days.  I have learned that we both had major misconceptions to the “steps” between where we were a week ago, where we were now, and where we want to be. (We are still working on where we want to be, but we have begun formulating a plan and have both committed to things that we are working on.)

This notion of baby steps came to me after two of our conversations.  I have constantly felt in the last few days that I’ve wanted to be held, comforted, loved.  My wife had been through so much, and was limp to much of everything. There we sat in our living room.  I tried to console her as I felt nothing but responsible for what had been happening. (I realize now that I need to go back and tell what the last four or five days have been, and actually give it a name.)

She was limp and without emotion or affection.  Nothing I did felt like it helped, but in that moment of alone we were trying to figure out what to do for the rest of the day.  Neither of us wanting to do anything. It was then that she went in and got some ice cream, and came back into the living room. When she returned I had her sit on my lap.  She began to eat the ice cream, and then spooned me a few bits of rocky road. In that moment I felt like a child. Even though I was holding her, I felt like she was holding me and that she was wrapping me in her love.  It felt regressive, and with some connection to the comfort and security that I associate with wearing a diaper. I had never experienced this before, as I had never shared with such detail my little side and had never been put in a place of such vulnerability.  I felt her love, and felt her care for me. I was filled with a river of joy and peace. The closest to happiness that I had felt leapt into my body.

Then I began to realize.  The step between where we were and wearing a diaper was a large mountain.  It wasn’t even the end step in both of our minds, and that was even more daunting and scary to my wife.  Here we were trying to wrap our heads around something, and that was impossible. How could we even get a plan, something with manageable action items and goals, if we couldn’t even properly gauge what we were experiencing.  

I have explained that I do not think we are on a two step plan, but two large steps with some number of baby steps in between both of those large steps.  For perspective, the large steps as I see it are:

  • Where we are now – she knows that I wear diapers, and is beginning to comprehend that.
  • Large step one that we haven’t made – Her being able to interact with me in most normal physical things while I am wearing
  • Large step two somewhere down the road yet to be considered and addressed, because there are so many baby steps between here and there – physical intimacy and other forms of love involving me and diapers.
  • Is that the last step, I do not know.  So many variables between here and there.

The reason ice cream is so impactful to me is that I explained that perhaps that is the first baby step in a series of many to help ease her uncomfort to the situation as a whole.  The concept of her accepting was so lost on me that I gave her this huge steak dinner to eat, when she isn’t ready for anything like that.

  • I do appreciate and rather enjoy the term “baby steps.”  It makes me smile a bit inside, and I hope that she finds logic and sense in what I am trying to share.  This was one of her action items that she took on. To be open to trying little, new things. Finding a way to treat me like a little kid, and play that role.  This was also the first time that I used the words role-play, but I really feel the context makes total sense.
    • I further explained to her that as we talked, and the more I began to unwrap things myself (I was learning so much being able to verbally talk about it for the first time) that in my life I am constantly in control of more or less everything.  I run a team professionally, I manage a consulting business, I run numerous organizations, and manage a number of events. Many of these happening in parallel. I really think that I want the role reversed, and I want to lose control. I want to be diapered, I want to be taken care of.  In that space, for those moments I can release the many stresses and just be. Just be with her, and have her love envelope me.
      • I honestly feel this is one of the biggest eye-opening discoveries I have experienced in a long time.
        • The concept of baby steps as it pertains to my situation
        • Learning that I may enjoy the concept of an Adult Baby, and not just being a Diaper Lover.
        • That wearing diapers, onesie PJs, and playing a different role is a form of release from my stressful norm that I live in consistently.
          • Will I be able to accept that?  Will she be able to? This causes my blood pressure to rise, and my breathing to become labored.  How do I share this with her? Do I share these words with her? The entire time I have been typing that continues to speak its question from the back of my mind.  I want this to help so much, I want her to see this part of me, but is she ready. Can she take the things that I am writing. Most of it yes, but I don’t want anything to hurt her.

I feel like this might be a living document of sorts as I learn and grow, but I believe the premise at it’s core rings true.

Remember to be honest, direct, and take baby steps!

Photo by Adrianna Calvo from Pexels

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2 thoughts on “Baby Steps

  1. Good read, you’re very brave for putting yourself out there, hope it all works out well in the end, seems like it may be a lengthy process.

    Like

    1. I believe it will be a long process as well. Like I said in my first post, this will be a marathon, not a sprint. It has been putting myself out there, to my wife and to the community for ABDLs that I feel like I am finally understanding better what this is, and who I am. Here’s to continual growth!

      Like

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