The teddy bear sat content with its new location on our bed for a few days. Life was so full that the most attention I was able to give it was a high five to the face when I was rolling over in bed. Then an hour became available and I wanted a moment.
This was the first time that I had reached for a diaper in a week and a half, and that really wasn’t a big deal. I had been content with life, and running and exercise had kept me dialed in and occupied.
This time was also coupled with another purchase that I had made at least a month prior. I had bought a snap up footie PJ, and hadn’t even got it out of the packaging.
Those two things combined with a pacifier brought about the biggest (or “littlest”) allowance of little space that I’ve ever had. Everything was soft, quiet, and peaceful. Emphasis on soft. That will probably be the emotion I will remember most about those few minutes. Soft, cuddly, comfortable. I didn’t have a ton of time between meetings, and it really was only a matter of minutes but those minutes were a huge reset button to my day and stress.
Laying there padded up, in PJs, and holding a huge teddy bear took me to a very quiet and simple place.
I’ve always been so apprehensive to allow myself exploration or experimentation in little space, and any step in that direction has made me nervous. I almost feel like I surprised my little side with this moment, and I’m pretty happy that I did.
Those quiet moments of serenity are few and far between. We lead a very busy life, and five or 10 minutes alone are precious and often missed spaces of time where we can recenter ourselves and our efforts. I’m learning to seize these moments when they are afforded to me. Very seldom can I full on carpe diem, but strive to truly disconnect from the stresses of the world when the opportunity presents itself.
What part of yourself are you holding back? What tools do you have in your life that can bring you happiness or peace that you do not allow yourself to enjoy? Perhaps I am very much in the minority, but there is a part of me that doesn’t feel like I’m allowed or worthy to be truly happy. This is something conditioned into me, and while I take very few cautious steps I hope that I will allow myself to participate in things that are wholesome and good for my personal growth and acceptance as a person, ABDL, husband, and father.
My little worries cloud my mind, and keep me from some of these small and beautiful moments. I often return to a worry of self worth, and the worth that I have in the eyes of my spouse. Thoughts fill my mind, ”How could my wife see worth in me like this? How could she want to be with someone who feels like this? How could she want to be with me knowing I wear a diaper, wear onesies, and now has a teddy bear on our bed?” These thoughts can be fleeting or overpowering, depending on how I choose to let them impact me. I hope that more time and positive experiences will help me to grow more confident in my little self.
I was not planning on adding this paragraph to this post, but I want to reiterate the importance of “having your house in order” when you share your little side and your desire to wear diapers with your spouse. Make sure that your relationship is in a good place, and you have a strong foundation of love for each other. Consistent deposits into the “bank of trust” will prepare you for when you need to make that withdrawal. My wife and I are working on a lot of things right now, and it can be very hard to keep all of the plates spinning at the same time.