When trying isn’t enough

Even with the best intentions, we are still human.  We still mess up, we still fall short, and we still don’t do things right.  

I very much know that I am human.  I make plenty of mistakes, probably more than my own fair share.  I try really hard to put my family first in my decisions.  I try, in my own mind, to never let diapers trump a decision regarding time and experiences with my family.  

Through various conversations with my wife I felt we were working on a balance and something that worked for us together.  What I didn’t see, but felt, was the continual struggle she has had.  The crinkle, the smell of powder, knowing that I was wearing, wore on her more than I knew.  Even with my best intentions of wearing diapers for my own health and growth my wife sees them as decisions that I’m making regardless of her feelings.

After two days of awkward feelings I asked for not the first time what was wrong, and if it was me.  I hadn’t slept the night before because I could tell something was wrong.  I worried it was me, but realized her own stressors that were present in her professional life right now.  I wanted to know what the root issue was so I could properly support and help her.  Luckily, or not, for me it was me and diapers was the main cause of her stress.  

We talked about a myriad of issues she had, some new and some not, with my wearing diapers in different settings.  What has made this hard is that she doesn’t like to talk about diapers, have them brought up, or think about them in general.  This has made me internalize the struggle the majority of the time, and then when something negative does happen she sees it and attributes it all to my diaper wearing.

I tried to separate concerns and talk about them separately, but it is hard when life is as intertwined as it is.  We go from one thing to another so quickly now that it is very hard for us to feel as if we are truly single-tasking.  Add the pandemic into the mix, and our year has been anything but “normal.”

I raised the point that perhaps we have had the conversations in the last year to prepare me to be able to wear diapers differently while working at home.  Stressors have been different, and I have worn more.  Partially out of the need of additional stress, and partially because I felt that through our conversations I could wear more.  I have been told it was more “okay” for me to wear around the house.  This has been viewed in a negative light.

What she didn’t know until our last talk was that I’ve been fighting wearing.  I haven’t wanted to wear.  I haven’t wanted to feel the need to wear, and have them help me.  It would frustrate me that when I would finally feel myself pass the point of when I should have worn, and I get myself in a diaper that I level back out and have a much, much better day.  Something that should be positive for myself has been hard to feel positive as I feel the less than positive vibes I’ve been getting from my wife.  

I’ve said before that “sometimes it’s not okay, and that’s okay.”  The lack of conversation in smaller chunks between my wife and myself has made this much harder to feel and achieve.

This may be my last post because I honestly don’t know where I am right now, and what I should do next.  Adding a layer of complexity to the situation the thing I want to turn to right now is the thing that has caused the issue in the first place.  I want diapers, but I don’t want to want diapers.  Part of me wants to pack up everything and get it out of my house, part of me wants to breathe and hope that my wife is doing the same, and the smallest part of me wants to purge EVERYTHING.  Something I said I would never do again.

What’s the right answer?  She doesn’t need to hurt like this.  I’m pushing her away inadvertently while trying to help myself and be more of myself.  How can I accept who I am, and not drive a wedge between myself and my wife? 

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