Sometimes It’s not okay, and that’s okay

Life in diapers, especially since sharing all of myself to my wife, has felt a lot like a country two-step.  Two steps forward, and one step back. The last few months have come in a roller coaster of emotions where consistency wasn’t a luxury.  The silver lining is that I still feel like we are making progress.  

I, personally, feel like a more confident and understood little.  Being vulnerable enough to share this part of yourself is a mountain to get over in the first place, but that was just the beginning.  While I have had a surge of personal acceptance and understanding, my wife has struggled with some of the aspects of me wearing diapers. 

How do I learn to be okay with inconsistency?  Practice and patience.

It has been very hard to not be able to knock this out, and return to our normal lives.  We work very hard to fix/improve things in our relationship and move on. This is NOT one of those things.  I have to accept that my wife is human and working through me in diapers, especially using them.  

For a while my wife positioned herself to avoid the subject/topic/mention of diapers.  She tried very hard to accept, but the more she avoided them the more she despised them and me in them.  We rode this roller coaster a number of times, and it resembled the binge/purge cycle from an emotional perspective.  I had no way of normalizing my feelings or experience because of the mixed signals she was giving me. I cannot feel relaxed, comfortable around her because she hasn’t provided that atmosphere yet.

She told me that she understands that she was trying to avoid them, and that “avoidance was not deliverance.”  She found out with time and a bit of pain that they couldn’t just be avoided.

At the end of our previous conversations I would try to establish a timeline or check-in, and she would avoid any commitment.  I didn’t want to push or force anything, but wanted to focus on a Baby Step where I could show her I was trying to accomplish what we both wanted.  During our most recent conversation she realized this, and we set two, small action items. I hope that through little wins we are able to be more confident and comfortable with the situation together.  We, together, are now working to be even closer and stronger because of the situation we are in. We are better and stronger together.

I have to be more agile.  I am working to not be as “in your face” with diapers.  Even though I didn’t feel like I was, she still felt smothered by them.  While we discussed this topic it was brought up that even if I wasn’t bringing it up all the time it was coupled with how much she was thinking about it, and that made it seem so overwhelming.  I committed to be conscious about not bringing it up too often, and helping keep it out of her face.  

I then asked myself, “How do I have more meaningful conversation while bringing it up less?”  This is something I will continue to work on, and I cringe when it does come up.  Not because I don’t want to talk about it, but I don’t want it to be overbearing. I’m working to find my balance in sharing with her.  Through time and experience I feel we will be able to normalize diapers more in our relationship. Again, marathon, not a sprint.

In conversations with other littles I learned that we all yearn for the moments of passive acceptance.  The comments, quirks, and small actions that are almost unnoticed yet nod (possibly in a joking or humorous way) to our wearing diapers.  Repeatedly I have asked myself, “When will she make a step in my direction? Unprovoked without my effort.”

I have had a number of moments that I have pointed out, and have been told that it wasn’t on purpose.  I know that I am looking for those experiences, those little moments of acceptance where I feel her love in a genuine way.  The way you feel the love of a smile. No words need be said, I just know she loves me by the way she looks at me.

A few days ago, I believe this finally occurred.  She knew that I was wearing a diaper and in a small, silly gesture smacked my butt with a spatula.  She was surprised a bit by the noise that it made, and her own reaction to the noise made her smile.  That smile, that gesture, were genuine signs of affection directly related to me wearing a diaper. Shortly after I went over to hug her, and she told me that she was trying.  I love her for how brave she is, and how willing she has been to accept this part of me.

It cannot always be cupcakes and rainbows.  Life isn’t meant to be that way. Sometimes everything is not okay, and that’s okay as long as we have the perspective of our larger goal.  If we are able to maintain our eyes on the bigger prize the smaller bumps along the way will be much more bearable.

One day at a time, one smile at a time

4 thoughts on “Sometimes It’s not okay, and that’s okay

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