The things we do have direct and indirect impacts on the people, circumstances, and situations around us. Even the environment around us is affected by our actions, our mood, and the way we present ourselves. The mood we present changes the environment around us and the warmth or chill that we emanate to others. Our presence, our “showing up,” alone changes the outcome of a situation.
This thought has been a double-edged sword for me in the past few weeks. Diapers help me present a more balanced and calm version of myself. I am genuinely happier and more at peace when I’m wearing a diaper. I am finding myself fighting this more and more because. The more I allow myself to wear diapers the more I know they help me, but also the more that I want to wear them. One of my wife’s biggest concerns is that I will just want to wear them all the time. I’ve said multiple times that my lifestyle doesn’t accommodate for wearing 24/7 nor do I think I would want to at this point. Extended wearing will actually hurt my knees from “waddling.”
That is one of the effects in my wearing. I am balancing myself through a regressive act of wearing a diaper, onesie, or pacifier. Allowing myself to be in that “space” has positive and extending effects on my personality, emotional state, and ability to perform under stressful situations. Another effect is that added stress to my spouse. She is bearing a different burden than me. She struggles with her husband wearing a diaper or onesie. While I continue to work to show her that they make me better, and that I am the same person whether I am wearing a diaper or not she is focusing (unconsciously I think) on the negative, or only allowing a shadowed view of them to her mind.
No matter the frequency I’m wearing them too much. The smell of baby powder, the visual of me wearing, or the sound of a crinkle cause negative responses that will pile up over time if they are not addressed. This is a pattern that we discovered was occurring. She would tell me it was okay for me to wear, but then would internalize and hold on to many small moments. These moments would morph from a metaphorical mole hill into an impassable mountain she was unable to scale on her own.
My wearing, which causes many positive changes in my life, was not doing the same for her.
Through a series of conversations, some small and some long, we decided that communication would be a key to changing our current situation. More consistent and smaller conversations and check-ins will help us to stay on the same page throughout our days, weeks, and months regarding my diaper wearing.
This concept is very hard for me because I have been told repeatedly that she doesn’t want to talk about them. She wanted to avoid the conversations, and so I wouldn’t discuss with her many of the things I was experiencing. I would turn to this document. The rough drafts of what become my blog posts. I would also turn to my friends. My friends online that share an understanding with what I experience on a daily basis. That group of people from various parts of the Internet help me in so many ways. (If you are looking for this kind of support please reach out to me. We have a Discord server where we gather and discuss everything under the sun.
This last series of conversations with my wife really tore me up. I ran from diapers, and wanted them gone. I removed as many aspects of my life that evoked “little” feelings as possible. I would shame and bash myself internally when I would want to wear or present some part of myself wanting to be or feel little in some way. It wasn’t an ideal 10 days, but through additional communication with my wife things have improved. After almost two weeks I allowed myself some space to feel little. Of course, immediate feelings of calm entered as I allowed that space. A large, ear-to-ear internal smile presented itself and I have felt part of myself come back. Even my intentions to try and purge the feelings I had allowed in for over a year were having negative effects because of how I was presenting myself to my family.
No success in any other part of our lives can make up for a failure in the home. Being busy with other things does not absolve us from neglecting or missing time with our spouse and our children. No matter where diapers take me in life I must keep the perspective of not letting my family down. We are involved in a myriad of community, athletic, and religious activities but if we neglect the small and simple things that matter most we will ultimately fail. We will be building our lives on an unsure foundation that is incapable of supporting all of the things we are trying to accomplish.
I have noted many other times that before you really dig into your “why” with diapers and sharing this part of yourself with your spouse to focus on building, recovering, or solidifying your foundation. Know that you are standing together on solid ground before you introduce something that can shake that stability. It has shaken mine much more than I thought it would, and for a longer period of time than I thought. I know this not something that can be introduced and resolved overnight, but even I must maintain the perspective that this is a marathon and not a sprint (INSERT LINK).
Hang in there littles! Everything we do has an impact. Even our inaction is a choice that we make with ramifications. A teacher once told me “that in any moment of decision you can do the right thing, the wrong thing, or nothing.” Which will it be? Take time for the things that matter most, and realize that YOU are one of those things. You are important, and understanding your relationship with diapers is foundational to your long-term mental, physical, spiritual, social, and emotional health.