My little side is a resource to me. I need to understand my little side and use it as a tool for a balanced, healthy life.
I grew up thinking my little side, though I didn’t know what it was or what to call it back then, was something wrong with me. I still struggle with that concept, but the last few weeks have really opened my eyes to the possibility that my little side was trying to help me through things throughout life and I didn’t know how to communicate or comprehend what it was telling me. I put myself through so many cycles of shame and guilt because I could not understand why I felt the things I did. I have been taught that I would not be given anything that I was not able to handle. That as I work, Line Upon Line, I will be able to accomplish anything God places in front of me because the way will be prepared for me to do so. I am part of that way being prepared. I must do my part as well.
Perhaps my little side is something to be embraced, and not feared or ashamed of. Earlier in life I couldn’t understand why something like this would be placed on my shoulders. Something that I couldn’t understand. I was on an island, and only my own thoughts and perceptions to keep me afloat, or at many times weigh me down. This, I believe, is where the Binge/Purge cycle often pokes its ugly head.
I’m learning that my little side is a resource. My little side can help me balance and cope with the rest of my hectic life. We stay very engaged, and it has been that way my entire life. No wonder I had this little side, reaching out to help, perhaps screaming at me for attention at times (as any little would likely do). I am not saying that ABDLs have split or multiple personalities, but I do think there is a part of me, my little side, that wants to come out to play to comfort and console me at times when I need a mental vacation or the stress of the day has piled on so much. Do I always get to take said vacation? No, life does not afford that to me every time. I will have to continue to play the balancing act of adulting, while allowing my little side it’s space when needed.
My hope is that I am able to bring this to light with my wife where she will understand and accept it and me. It racks my nerves to think of my little side being exposed to her and visa-versa. I don’t feel the two are that different, but I do know I think/act a little differently. Baby Steps, once again as I work to bring light to this for myself, and in turn to my loving spouse.
I think my recent experiences have brought clarity. I am able to see things in a slightly different light. Only future experience and experimentation will bring the knowledge I am looking for. The next time my little side asks for attention, before throwing a temper tantrum, will I be ready and able to listen? Will I learn how to use a tool I have to better myself? Like all tools, we are better craftsmen the longer we use them. I hope to become more proficient with my tools (my wife, community, support resource/materials), my little side being another one of them if I will use it.
To those who struggle, to those who don’t understand what they are feeling, search to understand yourself through tools you have at your disposal. Aristotle said, “Knowing yourself is the beginning of all wisdom.” Know that you will not be given anything that you cannot handle, know help is there. Search, ponder, pray. The answers will come.