My person, my best, and the “whys” inside my head

The hardest part about my journey to self acceptance and understanding has been that my person, my best friend is the person I cannot be little around.  I cannot vent or be 100% vulnerable because of discomfort that is felt from both of us. I feel so conflicted and torn, but the person I would turn to sort things out is the person I am trying to figure out how to interact with.  Any other Adult Babies or Diaper Lovers out there that can relate? I know this path is a long road, and I am not expecting it to be fixed tomorrow, but I want so badly for her to understand. I want so badly for MYSELF to understand.. 

All of the “why” questions come flooding back. Why me, why do I feel this, why diapers, why, why, why?  I so desperately want to understand myself and in turn have my wife understand and accept me as well. While it is not purposeful, intended rejection, it feels so bad.  I want to implode inside myself with the feelings that come. I want to crawl inside some dark place, because that is the void I feel.  

The emotional swing is so drastic that it is hard to keep balanced.  Right now, I set here diapered and content as I type. I feel a peace that does not replace how I feel or the love I feel for my wife, but something that has me centered right now.  Yet in the same moment that I feel the comforting hug of the diaper I have on, I worry, I struggle, I fear what it has, is, or can do. The last thing I want to do is hurt my wife, but I don’t know what else to do except hide at this moment.  We have talked to the same point three times, and I believe the next step is hers to take. She has to read or ask or make the next move, and that is VERY hard for me.

I want so badly to share with her this amazing community and those of you that I’ve met.  I want to show her the connections we have made as I have tried to make sense of myself.  You are amazing people, and I want her to see that. There is something amazing about every little that I’ve met. Each of us come from so many different places, yet we are brought together because of a single common thread that is woven into our lives. Diapers.

I resist because I do not want to constantly be bringing it up.  I don’t want her to feel like it is all that I am thinking about or all that is consuming my time, energy, and effort.  This is part of who I am, this does not make up all of myself. I believe that I can be many things, and an adult baby is just one of those things.  A part of my overall self, and the hardest part is how I convey and explain that side of myself. Something I don’t completely understand myself. Something I don’t know if I ever will completely understand myself.

I have asked “why” so many times throughout my life.  I don’t know why, I may never know why. My analytical brain wants to know so badly, because at times I feel broken.  I feel wrong, and I’ve struggled for decades to try and fix myself. My wife wants to help, and I think she is at the same place I was so long ago.  She wants to fix this, she wants to remove what she sees as a burden that I carry. I don’t feel like I am giving up on myself, but trying to adjust course and learn to accept myself instead of only beating myself up about the “why.” That does sound like giving up as I type it, but after years and years of fighting the why, I just want to know “how” I will live with it. How I can function in a happy and healthy way. Balanced.  

Above all, I just want my wife.  I can’t fathom anything ever getting between our love, and it kills me inside to think that there is something that could.  We work through EVERYTHING together, and I know we can climb and overcome this mountain together as well, but we have to do it together.  I don’t want to take this journey alone, because I truly only feel I will succeed if she is there beside me as we figure it out together.

I pray and hope for the understanding and direction of how to do this without hurting my wife.  I will seek guidance to find a path where I do not increase the discomfort she feels when all I am trying to do is love her (and love myself).

I can’t do this on my own.

Photo by Min An from Pexels

3 thoughts on “My person, my best, and the “whys” inside my head

  1. So your wife knows or does she not want you to do it?

    I find this to be a curse because so many of us struggle with it. I am lucky to have found a guy who likes me in them and doesn’t see an issue of me wearing around the kids. He keeps me in them 24/7. I don’t feel cursed anymore.

    Like

    1. She didn’t know. It is so foreign, and she is trying to understand. It is difficult because I am also searching for more understanding so it is a journey in the dark together.

      Time. My hope is time and small, Baby Steps will get us there together.

      Like

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