I still don’t completely understand the allure and draw of diapers for myself. You’d think after years and years with them that I’d have a much more structured and solid cause and effect understanding of them. Yet, this morning I felt like I should wear one to work so I slipped one on and headed out for the day. There isn’t a stressful meeting coming up, or a driver for why I had an itch to wear today, but I’m learning to listen when I can to accommodate for that need as long as it isn’t impeding on larger things.
When I am unable to listen in that moment I feel the urge return, and come back so most of the time it doesn’t just go away. There is a reason or a push to why I feel like I should put a diaper on. It doesn’t necessarily even have to be for a long period of time. Over the last weekend I found the need to put one on, and only ended up wearing it for about 15 minutes. When the opportunity to take it off came, I did, and didn’t feel the need to put it back on. I thought about it a little bit, and then didn’t question the new adjusted balance of feelings and went on with my day. I ended up not wearing at all the rest of the day.
While wearing this morning there have been a few times that the reminder of being padded just calmed me. It has been the subtle reminder of padding or the slight adjustment of waddle in my step, but it brings a peace and change in my step (aside from the literally walking a bit differently with a diaper on).
I still don’t fully understand it, but I do know that as I’ve worked to find the place of diapers in my life if I listen to these moments that I keep balance and smoother days. There aren’t drastic urges to wear, and surges of binge/purge. There is a more sustainable balance in life. I often refer to this as my little trying to help me out. I hope each of you is able to also find your own balance in your lives, and listen to the little inside of you that can help you balance out the ocean of emotion that we experience on a daily basis.