This is me

I think we have all felt like the bearded woman at some point in our journey as Adult Babies and Diaper Lovers.  

Music has always had a powerful place in my life.  It has highlighted my ups and downs throughout my life.  Even now as I’m writing this post, I have it playing in the background and it brings tears to my eyes.  

This impact this song had on me came in a moment of self-doubt and shame.  I wasn’t believing in myself in this moment as we drove through the mountains.  We were disconnected from the world, together as a family, and this song touched my heart.  It came during a strained moment after a tough, but honest conversation with my wife.

“I am not a stranger to the dark

Hide away, they say

‘Cause we don’t want your broken parts

I’ve learned to be ashamed of all my scars

Run away, they say

No one’ll love you as you are”

I, as many other ABDLs, grew up mentally and emotionally torturing ourselves about our attraction to diapers.  WHY?! So many times the question was why me, why this?! I would hide inside myself, telling myself over and over again that no one would understand me.  They wouldn’t want me.

“But I won’t let them break me down to dust

I know that there’s a place for us

For we are glorious

When the sharpest words wanna cut me down

I’m gonna send a flood, gonna drown them out

I am brave, I am bruised

I am who I’m meant to be, this is me

Look out ’cause here I come

And I’m marching on to the beat I drum

I’m not scared to be seen

I make no apologies, this is me”

I had to begin by not letting myself continue to break me down.  I had to find the strength to stand up against myself in my internal battles.  This was my fight, and my fight alone until I first opened up to my wife.

I would have never called myself glorious.  I still am learning to find the glory in me despite the diapers that I wear.  Again, the sharpest words have always been internal. I’m fairly certain this side of me would not be publicly accepted well so the sharp words and pain are assumed.  This is the mental hell that we live in. Where we put ourselves over and over, and each time we reach for a diaper it brings solace and pain at the same time. We know it helps, but we know it will hurt later.

It took decades for me to stand up to myself, and feel that I was brave with my own emotions.  So much that I shared this with my wife. I’m not perfect, I am very much bruised (mostly by myself), but “I am who I’m meant to be.”  Most of us have never known different, we must accept this is who we are meant to be, because “this is me.”

The past few months have made me feel that I am not scared to be seen.  I stood in front of my wife.  It was probably one of the most vulnerable experiences of my life.  The more we talk, and the more I learn, the less I am apologizing to myself about myself.  I can be strong and in diapers. I can be healthy, happy, and be me.

“Another round of bullets hits my skin

Well, fire away ’cause today, I won’t let the shame sink in

We are bursting through the barricades and

Reaching for the sun (we are warriors)

Yeah, that’s what we’ve become (yeah, that’s what we’ve become)”

The shame always returns.  The task becomes how we choose to react to it.  When we can choose to burst through the self-imposed barricades we can truly feel like a warrior for the first time.  I know the liberating feeling I felt the first times I began to truly accept myself in diapers. My little self didn’t have to be something to be ashamed of.

“This is me

and I know that I deserve your love

(Oh-oh-oh-oh) ’cause there’s nothing I’m not worthy of

(Oh-oh-oh, oh-oh-oh, oh-oh-oh, oh, oh)

When the sharpest words wanna cut me down

I’m gonna send a flood, gonna drown them out

This is brave, this is proof

This is who I’m meant to be, this is me

Look out ’cause here I come (look out ’cause here I come)

And I’m marching on to the beat I drum (marching on, marching, marching on)

I’m not scared to be seen

I make no apologies, this is me

When the sharpest words wanna cut me down

I’m gonna send a flood, gonna drown them out

I’m gonna send a flood

Gonna drown them out

Oh

This is me”

Through the acceptance and love of my wife I am learning to love myself.  Through accepting myself I am also learning that my Heavenly Father loves me.  I am worthy of His love, and through the Atonement of Jesus Christ I can truly feel worth.

We are not alone littles, we can be strong together.  I hope you know that I stand with you, diapers and all.  Together we are better, together we are strong. If you feel alone, know that I am standing with you.  Reach out, and I’ll be there to help lift you up.  

This is the first time they sang the song together while creating the film. You can see the power behind what is being sang!

This is me

One thought on “This is me

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Google photo

You are commenting using your Google account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s