Not fifteen minutes after I finished writing maybe it’s not binge Purge I had a moment. A moment I would definitely classify as “life-alerting.” It has been a rough few weeks, and a roller coaster seems appropriate, but not accurate. My feelings have been all over the map. I had fought back and forth between the comfort that diapers brought to the anxiety of wearing around my wife, even though she told me that wearing them wasn’t an issue. I was keeping things in the bounds we had set, but I still worried that the slightest crinkle around her would cause her to feel something negative about me. Would she be so repulsed from knowing I was wearing, even though that she’d told me it was okay? (Even typing this now is making my blood pressure rise.)
So, I hit save on my latest post describing all of these emotions, and my wife gets home. I was wearing a diaper, and so there I was….worried. She was in a good mood, so I was even more heightened that I would mess something up by having a diaper on. Doubt, worry, and whatever else swam in my head.
She gave me a hug and we kissed. I nervously told her that I needed to take something off, and she looked at me and said “I’m good.” She has obviously been thinking about it, and has found some answers about the impact of diapers in our lives. I don’t remember everything, but it was along the lines of in the scheme of things how much does it actually matter. She is still very much apprehensive, but has come to grips about me wearing them.
(I don’t feel like I’m doing this experience justice in the way I am typing it, but I have not been able to write this down for a number of sittings, and so I made myself get something out)
It will take me time to become comfortable with her and them at the same time, as I feel like she still feels awkward with me and them. I will now have to put myself out there wearing them around her to allow the discomfort to turn to growth and understanding.