What is AB/DL and Age Play? – You’re Not Broken – Chapter 1

Sitting around my family as I began reading this book I found myself shielding the title on the spine and the cover with my hands and legs.  This occurred for two reasons.  One, I wasn’t prepared for this family get-together to turn into me explaining what AB/DL was.  This is a conversation that I doubt will ever occur with my parents.  Two, because it is hard to be vulnerable.  The title of the book infers that part of me feels broken, or is looking for answers about being broken in some way.  Again, I didn’t want to go down that path on that day about “what my problem was.”  My family is very direct, and not great at communication regarding emotions.  Perhaps this stunted my ability to search for self-acceptance for so long in my own life.  There was no space to discuss this aberrant notion that I wanted to wear a diaper as a conscious choice.

In this chapter the statistic of 1/1000 is floated (10).  I grew up thinking that there could possibly not be anyone else that felt this way, and that caused me to desire to share it even less.  Knowing we are not alone, and even the possibility it is as common as 1-in-1000, helps us realize that in today’s ever connected world that we are not alone.  My Discord server and this blog are two ways in which I’ve tried to build community around who I am.  We truly are not alone, but what are we (and how do we describe it)?

The book then continues to lay out a vernacular for us to use (10).  I thought this was also very important, and one of the first pages on my blog was a dictionary of sorts helping people establish common terms when discussing with their spouses or loved ones.  This was the first validation of many where I felt confidence in the approach that I had constructed for myself in the past few years.

Continuing on (13) I noted a definition of myself as an ABDL.  I have a growing Adult Baby side, but most of the time when I’m wearing a diaper is while fully as an adult.  I’m actively going about my day with a crinkle/waddle in my step.  Those diapers most often provide me with comfort, peace, and balance.

She then makes a statement on the next page that can touch people differently in their early journey for understanding as an ABDL. 

“A person does not choose to become an Adult Baby (or Diaper Lover); it chooses them.  And like it or not, it is not going away.” (14)

I feel that we each reach for diapers for our own reasons.  We may never know those reasons.  I have reached for a diaper since my earliest memories, and I cannot connect or correlate an experience with the root of my affinity to put a diaper back on after infancy.  I can speculate from a few experiences very early on in my development that could have caused this connection to diapers and regressive behavior, but I doubt that I will ever know.  Did I choose them?  Did they choose me?  For me, it doesn’t matter.  What matters is what I now choose to do with them.  How and when I choose to wear them are within my current control.  That balance between urge and “need” determines the frequency in which I powder and pad up is something I will continue to hone in for the rest of my life.  There is a reinforcement of incurability (25) that is a big struggle with littles (ABDLs).  It can often feel like despair to think we cannot cure ourselves, or that it can not go away.  I naively thought I would “grow out of diapers” but have yet to experience that.  The biggest difference for me was changing the lens in which I saw diapers.  I have pivoted from abstinence from diapers to leveraging them for the better good in my life.  They can be a tool, not a hindrance, in making me the best version of myself.

Words that rub me the wrong way

I do not envy the position of Rosalie Bent. She began publishing books about ABDL a while back, and is some of the first published writing about our community.  While reading her book, “There’s Still a Baby in my Bed” I found the scale and definitions presented also in this book.  While I don’t feel offended or triggered by this scale, Bent’s definitions have never set 100% with me.  I feel that I retain control during my little space, and am 100% accountable for my actions that occur inside and outside of little space.  Perhaps I do not experience, or allow myself to experience, regression as others do.  Dr. Rhoda even states that the scale may not be perfect, but we have to start somewhere or establish some baseline in which conversation may occur. 

Beyond sex or sexuality

Diapers go way beyond sex or sexuality for me (18).  The sensory experience, and the hug of a diaper are some of the biggest parts of the experience for me.  I do have a sexual connection to diapers, as many ABDLs do, but it is not my primary driver/connection to them and thus I struggle with the term kink in how I explain the connection I have with diapers.  This makes us each unique in our connection with diapers (22).  We share common threads with how diapers affect us, but we all have shades of individuality.

Spouses can often feel they are competing against diapers for our affection and attention.  This is absolutely not the case for me (20).  Diapers do not replace my spouse, and helping them understand that can be one of the first hurdles we experience as we share this part of ourselves with them.  We must create a space of true acceptance (26).  A place that is a shame-free zone where we allow ourselves to be ourselves.  

Homework

We are tasked with keeping track of our thoughts in a journal.  This was another connection I had with her approach as this blog has been that place for me.  The keyboard always listens and allows me to share what I am experiencing.  Once it is written down I am able to better understand myself, and what I was feeling.  In that moment my feeling changes as I am able to consume my experience/emotions in a new way.  I have found that expression externally of my thoughts and feelings allows me to grasp them much, much more effectively.  I hope you find your own way to journal your experience, and it helps you continue to build a foundation of your own relationship with diapers.

Onward to the next chapter, and onward to making ourselves a better Adult Baby!

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