While reading a new book it began talking about how we all too often define ourselves by our work. People ask, “What do you do?”
When you are at an icebreaker event or some kind of “getting to know you” situation, how do you choose to introduce yourself? Do you lead with your career? Do we let one part of ourselves define us too much?
Do we also neglect other parts of who we are? Instead of neglecting parts of ourselves, we should find opportunities to allow each part of who we are to be a part of us.
What does this have to do with diapers?
In my search for understanding, and eventually a desire for self acceptance, I tried to understand why I wanted to wear a diaper. It hurt so much because I was working to remove something from my life. It was something wrong with me, and I needed it gone.
Much later in life I began to consider the possibility that my affinity to wear diapers was part of me, a part of who I am. In the subsequent years since I have been able to find the place that being an ABDL has in my life. Diapers and my little side have their place in helping me live the best version of who I am.
By neglecting, hiding, and trying to cut out that part of me I was suppressing a part of myself. I didn’t think that diapers were a good thing, but I hadn’t given myself the space to understand the role that they could play in my life. Through normalizing them in my life I have begun to grasp how this part of who I am can help the whole part of who I am.
During this process I realized that talking the talk was one thing, but walking the walk (or waddling the waddle) was another. I needed to push past the initial reactions I had to diapers, work past the shame and guilt that would spring another binge/purge cycle, and find the deeper reason for wearing (if it existed?!).
Through normalizing diapers in my life I was able to find more and more what they meant to me. I’ve also found out what they don’t mean to me, or what parts of ABDL don’t necessarily resonate with me. It was allowing myself the space to try without contestant berating and shaming that I was able to begin to find this part of myself.
I had been surviving while running away from diapers in my life instead of finding opportunities to thrive with them as part of my life.
So many of us who have a desire to wear diapers (males especially) are also racked with a sexual component of wearing. This is a huge source of the guilt and shame. For decades I didn’t allow myself to push past that initial response diapers gave to learn why I was really reaching for one in the first place.
Through time and trial I have learned that I reach for diapers as an emotional stabilizer and mechanism to reduce or remove stress. Diaper wearing for me is now not driven by a sexual urge, but a desire to balance myself out more to be the best version of myself that I can be. My wife’s support in this area has also helped me know that I can be a good person when while I’m wearing a diaper. I have also found strength in feeling spiritual guidance while wearing a diaper.
Diapers and ABDL have since become a part of who I am. They are one tool in my tool belt for attacking all the things that life brings with it. I do not allow this part of my life to become a controlling majority or driver in my life. I work hard to not choose diapers over other things in life, but I’ve also learned that through normalizing and accepting that the choice rarely occurs. I can live my life and be wearing a diaper at the same time. I’m not always wearing a diaper, and there are times that I’ll stop wearing a diaper so I can do something. Less and less often though do I find myself at a metaphorical crossroads where I’m holding a diaper and deciding which path I’m going to take. It is the same path and I’m deciding if I want to crinkle or not while I’m on it.
Through my ability to love myself in diapers I’ve found that I’m not constricted, but more liberated to be myself. Instead of thinking I was going to lose myself to diapers I’ve actually found more of myself because of diapers.
Through balance, adult decision making, and some common sense I am able to be more than just an ABDL. I’m so many things, and an adult baby diaper lover is only one of those things. Perspective and checks and balances with what matters most (my spouse, my family, my religious convictions) in life have helped keep things in check.
My path, my journey, has shown me to not run away from diapers. Instead of purging them I’ve found a way that works for me to integrate them into my life. Allow yourself that space as well. Allow yourself to search for the reason that diapers are a part of your life. Your result may be different than mine because the reason you reach for a diaper may be different than mine, but until you love yourself and trust yourself enough to find out your “why” you may keep running into the brick wall of shame and guilt that is often associated with a binge/purge cycle that will also hurt.
“There is grace in being molded by your own gifts.”
Do you see diapers as a gift? I know I didn’t for a long time. Perhaps we should.
Please know that you are amazing, diapers and all.
Please, please don’t let diapers define you.
Photo: Ismael Sánchez
Aberrantly Me 