I’ve gone diapered this last few mornings. Not a normal start of the day for me.
Since getting some new diapers that are lower cut I gave them a try at work and really liked them. One of the two days I wore a booster as well, which was a bonus. It has been interesting to see the difference I’ve had at the beginning of my day while being diapered. I feel this overall, calming or centered feeling. Like I’m home, or like a warm blanket. Stress doesn’t get overwhelming, and I have been able to take things in stride a bit better. Then later in the day I would change out of my diaper and go on adulting. I could feel the difference between myself in the two situations. Part of me wanting to be diapered, most likely as a desired return to that feeling.
Perhaps this week I have been experiencing something different than the binge/purge cycle of emotions that I’ve experienced before. I have gone from the state of well-being in a diaper to different situations where I haven’t been diapered. Stresses of the day, and a number of other things have pushed me to the far other side of the spectrum. It doesn’t help that diapers themselves are part of the overall stress and worry as I continue to work for understanding, and have additional conversations with my wife.
The continual emotional swing cannot be sustainable or healthy, but perhaps that is what it is and not just binge/purge. The only reason I am looking/thinking purge is because I wish I didn’t have this desire so it wouldn’t be a trial. If I didn’t wear diapers I wouldn’t be having any of these conversations with my wife. It is so hard because what I want more than anything else right now is to be able to have a diaper on and not feel like I’m doing something wrong when my wife is around. She has told me that I can wear them, but within the limits we set I feel like I am causing us to interact differently than we would. I’m creating a padded barrier (unintentionally) between my wife and I. What I want more than anything is to feel as comfortable as I do right now typing this as I am when she is around. That I can be this part of who I am and not think/worry/stress/dread that any one of the horrible things I think about is going through her mind. I don’t know what she thinks, but my mind has made up so many versions of conversations she might be having that I hurt inside just thinking about them.
Maybe she’s not thinking about any of them. Maybe this is all in my head.
I have crossed a line of hers twice, both of which were very unintentionally, but the fallout and rejection that I feel as a result cannot be compared to. Things have been said that I don’t know what to do with, and hope they can be resolved before they turn into any kind of an issue. She is an amazing woman, but I cannot stand having something about me cause a reaction like this to her. I would do ANYTHING for her, and this is probably the hardest thing that I’ve ever struggled with. Seeing her reaction and repulsion destroys me inside. If I was ever asked to choose, and I hope that day never comes because I will have done so many other things wrong to lead us to that point, I would obviously choose my wife and my family, and purge once again but I don’t know what part of me would be left.
I truly feel my little would be ripped out or locked up, and I don’t know how healthy or sustainable I could emotionally or psychologically function long term. This has always been a part of me, and I’m just learning how to unlock the power of my little side. What it is capable of doing to keep me level, and help me be my best person.
Perhaps I go too far down the rabbit hole. My wife is worried that she will never be able to get to some place in her head that I want to be that she misses the small, building steps that we will take along the way as we both become comfortable with my more open acceptance of wearing diapers and my little side.
Again, as I sit here taking a few minutes from my day to unload what has been swimming around in my little’s mind reflect that I am diapered. I like how it feels, and that makes it so much harder. That it feels right, and makes me feel better. I’m trying to be honest and open with myself, and it just feels right. I don’t want to fight diapers anymore or hate myself because of them. I want to be proud that it makes me smile that there is a giraffe on my diaper. I want to be okay with me, and I want that version of myself to feel the same deep love and compassion that my wife has had for me our entire marriage. I want her to see little me, diapered me, and know that it is still me. That she can be a huge part in what makes the little me a success. That her loving touch, compassion and care is what I feel the key to my little side will be. Her telling me that everything is okay, is what will make everything okay. I know then, in that moment, that I will truly be at peace with what I am currently wrestling with.
On that note, she will be home soon, and I hope that I can maintain this level of feeling that I have now when she gets home. I hope I can normalize, and be patient as she takes baby steps towards me.