There are times where I don’t feel like wearing diapers. Sometimes it is a day/week away, and there are other times where it is longer. A recent week has been that for me. I have not felt like wearing for a number of days in a row, and the feeling was even more present when I went to restock some of my diapers from storage to my closet.
It was a bit of a new feeling to not want to interact with them. That is typically the opposite response of what they do for me emotionally.
Our lives are often complex and parts of it become intertwined, so I began to look at what else was going on in my life.
Diapers are not always the answer in my life. They are an answer, a tool, to help me balance, but they are not the one-size-fits-all solution to my problems. It then makes sense that there will be seasons, both short and long, where I don’t have the same need or desire to wear.
It is during these times I look at the other factors going on in my life. Perhaps things are going smoothly where I do not feel I need the additional padding and support that diapers provide me. Perhaps I have other things in my life that are providing that supplemental aid I need to balance out my day. These seasons come and go just as my desire to wear diapers comes and go.
In talking with other littles I’ve found it interesting that we often feel like something is wrong when we don’t want to wear diapers. Yet, most of our lives we have tried to remove diapers from our lives because we struggle to reconcile them with some part of our life (often Gospel-related).
My anchor here has been digging for my “why” and understanding why I reach for diapers. There will be times I don’t need or want them, but life’s cycle has shown me that there will be a time when I will want to reach for them again.
Often associated with this conversation is the binge and purge cycle. I’d like to submit the idea of a healthy binge/purge that doesn’t look typical to what we’ve experienced.
Healthy Binge/Purge
Most of the time when we think of binge/purge we recall a rollercoaster of emotions where we went from intense desire to wear diapers to the desire to throw them all out (which couples with shame, guilt, and other negative emotions.
This cycle, for me, repeated itself through my teenager years, before and after my mission, and into college. I would constantly berate myself and emotionally abuse myself for a desire to wear a diaper. “What was wrong with me?!”
Much farther down life’s path I’ve gone without the desire to purge for about a decade. I attribute that change to normalizing diapers in my life after I found the ability to allow the concept of acceptance into my life. Acceptance that diapers were part of my life, that I wanted to wear them, and that affinity didn’t make me a bad person. Normalizing diapers in our lives looks and feel different for many. I know some that set a structured schedule for wearing. They thrived on knowing that the day to wear a diaper was coming, and it brought them balance. I know others, myself included, who sought an emotional compass to wear as life directed. Both options are good, and each of us must glean from the experiences of others and pave our own way.
I’ve since found that the rollercoaster or waves of emotion has calmed, but they have not completely disappeared. There are days when I still want to emotionally beat up the person I see in the mirror, and there are other times I’m smiling and happy for that same diaper-wearing individual.
What is healthy binge/purge? That also will look different for each of us. There will be times I don’t want to wear, and that is okay. There will also be times when I want to wear a lot, and that is also okay. It is finding balance between the two ends of that spectrum. I know some ABDLs who support each other in these times by taking each others diapers when they feel a binge coming along. They are also emotionally supporting each other during that time which lessens the negative self talk. Having someone or a group when you get to these places has helped me immensely. I am so thankful for every ABDL that i’ve met, but am especially thankful for a few people that really helped me breakthrough into the place I am today.
Find those people. They will vary depending on where you are in life.
Parents: I’ve had the blessing of speaking with mothers of teenagers who were struggling to know how to help their child. Not all of us feel we have a parent or parents that would be able to help us navigate this (especially how little I understood about myself at that part of my life). Thank you to the parents who are quick to listen, and slow to judge.
Friends: Other littles have shared with me stories of having a friend that knew they wanted to wear diapers. How brave of them for sharing that part of themselves, and how amazing of the friend for listening! I also didn’t share this part of myself with any friends I had growing up. I didn’t want diapers to be part of my life, and I didn’t see how I could’ve talked about it to someone else. I already felt like I was broken, and I didn’t want others to think negatively about me.
ABDL Community: These people are amazing! It continues to impress me that that desire to wear diapers doesn’t fit into any single demographic. I know people from all waddles of life who have a quirk/affinity/desire to wear a diaper. These interactions have been virtual for me, but I appreciate the human connection I’ve been able to make with so many others like me who are all striving to be good people. I once saw diapers as an anchor weighing me dow somehow making me a limited or bad person, but if we can change our mindset about the role diapers play in our lives we can find a deeper love for ourselves.
Spouse: My wife has helped me move the needle in my own progression more than any other person that I associate with “in real life.” Her ability to listen to the hard conversations, and try to understand them and me has given me the ability to grow. We continue to work together, and our commitment to have open and honest conversations makes us both better people.
Bottom line, there will be times you don’t want to wear a diaper. There will also be days you don’t want to exercise, eat one of your favorite foods, play a video game, or something else that you typically enjoy. We are complex creatures, and we should remember to make the most of whatever moment that we are presently in. If you need to take a break, do it. If you need a diaper, powder and pad up.
Make the most of your moment whether you are walking or waddling there!
Photo by Andrea Piacquadio
Aberrantly Me 