Well it happened again… I made the mistake of thinking that my wife was aware of part of my little side.
I have written about giving a pacifier a try, and the mixed results that I’ve seen from it. It really doesn’t do a ton for me, but I have had success with getting rid of a migraine while using one. They don’t take me to little space, or cause a huge shift in my emotional state, but on occasion I have the thought to pop one into my mouth and go about my day.
This was one of those days…
I decided to start my day a “little” differently than a typical day with a diaper, onesie, and eventually went back for a pacifier. Nothing huge or stressful brought on my desire to wear, but I felt like I wanted to pad up. My wife had woken up not feeling well, and ended up staying in bed while I got the kids ready and then began my work day. The crinkle in my step was a nice way to start my day, and I even took a meeting with my webcam off while using the pacifier.
It was then that my wife came into my office area. I took the pacifier out as she turned the corner so I could say good morning. She saw me wearing a onesie with a hoodie on, and smiled when she turned the corner and said “good morning baby” as she pat my head and leaned in to hug me. She told me that she needed to talk with me, and so I put the pacifier that I was holding in my hand back in my mouth so I could type on my keyboard to tell the members of my call that I needed to drop off a few minutes early.
She then saw the pacifier in my mouth and started laughing. It wasn’t a kidding, joking laugh. It was a coping mechanism for her to respond to something that she was uncomfortable with. I can’t remember what she said next, but something about whatever makes you happy.
In a matter of seconds I had went from such a simple happiness to a feeling that I was being made laughed at.
Trust me, I know how ridiculous it is. I live it, but it hit a bit different in that moment. I was suddenly trapped in my chair because I didn’t want to walk around crinkling. That would signal even more how ridiculous I was. I didn’t feel comfortable with who I was.
There I sat, inadequate.
It turns out that my wife didn’t know I had a pacifier. Like I previously said, I don’t use it very much at all but I felt like I had shared with her the migraine story and even had it out on my desk a few times when she had come into my office. This was the first time that she had seen it in my mouth. I succeeded, yet again, in making her feel uncomfortable. I brought back the emotions that there will always be “one more thing.”
I took a minute to voice that I felt her laugh was directed at me, and that it didn’t feel good. She explained how if felt like “one more thing” again and she didn’t know how to respond so she coped by laughing at it. My feelings of shame persisted and I wanted to get out of my diaper as soon as I could bring a stopping point to talking with my wife.
I went back, and in shame, removed what I was wearing. The unacceptable side of myself that I have tried to find some solace and acceptance in. I feel the twinge of binge/purge and shame again. I want diapers, but I don’t want to want them.
I hate the pain, and I hate that it is putting on a diaper that helps me cope with the pains of life. Now I sit here in my workload, buried in emotion with a migraine presenting itself, while I still try to compose myself to be the adult that I should be.
The person that shouldn’t need a diaper.
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Aberrantly Me 