I often use the metaphor of a ”bank of trust” in regards to relationships. My wife and I work together daily to deposit trust and good experiences into a metaphorical bank. These deposits strengthen our relationship together and allow us to have our moments. When one of us is struggling in one form or another the other is typically ready to pick up the slack and keep things moving in the right direction. This has worked well throughout our marriage because my wife and I constantly review and reconcile this account and make sure that we are both pulling in the same directions with our personal, professional, spiritual, and familial goals.
Recently, in the last year or so, we entered into unknown waters. Both of us were needing to withdraw from the account. This somewhat has caught us off guard, and at first I thought it would be short lived (a small bump in the road). A number of months later it has persisted, and we find ourselves needing to take a more detailed look at our commitments and strains in our lives.
We build up this bank through deposits of love, compassion, and service for each other and our family. We withdraw from this bank when we are weak, tired, hurting, or coping with external forces that are impacting our life and the lives of our family. While my wife and I presently have “money” in the bank to withdraw from we recognize the need to refortilize ourselves and our relationship to make sure we are more consistently adding to the bank instead of taking from it.
Here are some of our findings to the origins of our added stresses:
Careers – Both my wife and I have full-time professions that require time and attention which brings variable amounts of stress. While my career path has a normalized dose of stress each day my wife’s can be a roller coaster of mental strain, physical exhaustion, and emotional burden. My wife is my hero. I watch her dawn a figurative cape each time that she prepares herself for work. She straps on her boots and leaves our home into a wildly dynamic environment.
Commitments – Church callings, volunteers efforts
Age – This one caught me off guard a bit at first, but I’m sure it is a real factor. All-nighters and extended projects definitely take their toll on me, and I’m noticing my body doesn’t quite bounce back like it once did. I must accommodate and factor in this for both of us.
Children – For some reason or another our children keep growing. They are maturing physically, spiritually, and emotionally. Involvement in church callings, extra curriculars, school commitments, and life in general. When looking at why I can’t get the same things done that I did five to eight years ago I must remember that my three children are involved at much different levels than they were back then. That time commitment alone has changed my availability and capacity.
Diapers – Both a help and a hindrance. While they have become a tool in helping me cope and balance there is still the associated stress that comes with us at different levels depending on where we are with our own self-acceptance and marital status. Shame, binge/purge, and doubt all creep in to varying degrees at times. I am learning that I think my own level of acceptance now hinges on my spouse as well (more on that later).
Through a number of conversations, I believe, that it is a combination of each of these things that has us in our current situation. We have taken moments to try and attack one of these things, but have not taken a number of steps back and looked at the bigger picture.
Hang on, isn’t this supposed to be a blog about being an adult who has chosen to wear diapers?!
I promise, I’m getting there. 🙂
Sitting in our garage my wife and I discussed where we felt we were in regards to a few of the topics above. She received some amazing news that is helping her work to close the door on a stress that has been looming over. It was a stress that has reappeared a few times in the last few years, and each time it has amplified in the impact it has had on my wife and our family. Having this affliction or pain removed from her shoulders will be a huge step in our need to begin making regular deposits back into our bank of trust.
It was towards the end of this conversation we were talking about diapers. My wife made the point that I had to accept myself in diapers before growth could occur. It was a reflection of some of what she had been experiencing, and it made me smile seeing her apply it to help someone else. I shared a bit about her acceptance playing a big part of my state of mind as well. I know that I must have my own self acceptance regarding my desire to wear a diaper, but my relationship with my wife is everything and we strive so much to be on the same page. Her accepting, through time and experience, and increasing her comfort level will also help me further accept that I am acceptable.
She told me that she knows that diapers “aren’t going anywhere.” I think she has seen my own struggles and through our conversations that I have tried over and over to remove them from my life in one way or another. This has felt partially like a concession in the past, and it always hurts me a bit to hear it. I don’t want my wife to feel trapped, or without a voice in what is going on. I don’t want to force her into a corner where diapers will always be something in the back of her mind as a negative chipping away at her mental health, sanity, or love/connection with me.
It was at this moment that I realized there may be two different things going on here. The difference between “being accepting” and acceptance of me in diapers.
“Being accepting”– I think this may be what my wife means when she currently says she accepts me wearing diapers. I think she accepts the fact they exist, and that I am wearing them. This is a first step or steps down the road, and I am very thankful for all the progress we’ve made in the last two years, but when the ABDL says the word acceptance I think it rings differently in our ears. (I do not want to shrink or belittle this place. It is a very brave and big step that she has taken)
Acceptance – To the ABDL, or at least this one presently typing away at the keyboard after tapping up in front of my wife I think that acceptance runs deeper to us. The act of owning the diapers and putting myself in one completely in front of her was a moment of growth for me. It was a small moment of me accepting myself more than I did yesterday.
Another moment of growth towards acceptance was me allowing myself to be okay with the fact that I needed to wear them more this week. I do not adhere to a schedule or timeframe to wear. When I need to wear, and can, I will pad up. More often than not I will not allow myself to wear when I feel that I need to, and end up causing myself more stress. This week was different. Growth.
This is the meaning I feel behind the word acceptance. Milestones or steps that make me more accepting of who I am. Acceptance, to me, includes the various things that ABDLs hope for between themselves and their spouse in or around diapers. I am comfortable with the pace in which my wife and I have grown together in the last two years. She has her pace at accepting things, and my goal is that we continually strive to improve. Continued acceptance through acts, big and small, that illustrate and demonstrate to me her acceptance through words and actions.
Acceptance to me is a feeling. A warmth, a peace. Perhaps, for me, that is the biggest difference. I feel the positiveness of what I associate with acceptance.
This parallel most likely exists within us as well as we work through our own discovery. Each of us as an Adult Baby Diaper Lover must reconcile our desire, affinity, quirk, or kink with diapers. Those early steps are “being accepting” with ourselves. In those moments, and even today, there are times when I do not feel acceptable to myself. In those moments I also cannot and do not feel acceptable in the eyes of my wife and Heavenly Father.
Within each of us we must battle for self worth and acceptance of who we are. We are still of worth and worthy when wearing a diaper. Leveraging those around us, other members of the ABDL community, and our spiritual/religious principles we can learn to accept who we are. Everyone’s journey is different and no two ABDLs will experience life the same. We all come from different places, people, and circumstances. There are many commonalities and similarities that we share. Those connections can be pivotal to our growth. I know it was for me. Through my friends who also crinkle when they walk I know that I have been able to share this part of myself much better with myself and my wife.
Wherever you are presently on your self-acceptance journey and the journey of acceptance with your spouse remember to keep your head up. Focus and work on yourself first so you can be better equipped to help the acceptance level that you have with your spouse.