If an ABDL were to write a letter to Santa (or a wishlist) there would be many different things listed. These would be material things ranging from certain diapers they want to wear, a onesie, and perhaps many childhood objects or toys that they would like to have. There would also be experiences or interactions that the ABDL would like to have. One of those experiences for many ABDLs is the engagement of their spouse with them.
I remember my wife’s first look. This experience was largely for me, but I think we both learned from it. Standing in front of my wife wearing only a diaper was a very vulnerable experience for me. There was nothing hiding who I was to her, and I feel there is a power in allowing myself to be in that moment. Nervous as I was she embraced me and it began to chip away at deeply rooted feelings that I was unacceptable. She also learned in that same moment that she was not ready to engage with me and diapers as much as she had hoped. This experience, and others, have been part of the rollercoaster of peaks and valleys we’ve experienced together with diapers.
My wife had to take a big step back and reassess her own comfort level after that day. I had come away from that experience feeling great because I had done something huge in my mind, but then had to pull back because of what my wife needed. These conversations and others have taught my wife and I how we both need to communicate, and the frequency or cadence of how often that needs to occur. (It is very different for my wife and I).
Working through all of the logistics, timing, and pace I have learned that we do need to be able to communicate what we need. The other person also needs to be willing to hear us out and be given time to process and understand what is being said. Even harder, we have to be able to be the listener of hard things as well. All too often we are the one sharing with our spouse about diapers in our lives. We are telling them hard and awkward things that we may not fully understand yet. We ask them to listen, process, and comprehend what we are telling them. The harder moments for me are when I need to be the one to listen as well as my wife communicates where she is in the process of digesting what I’ve shared with her or where she is in a particular aspect of ABDL.
I also yearn for immediate feedback and resolution, and sharing this affinity for diapers with my wife I have learned that feedback and response takes time. I have learned to be patient with very small steps of growth and conversation as we navigated diapers early on.
Request → Processing Time → Response
This timeframe took months or even a year early on for us. It has gotten better as we have gotten better together both with our communication and our understanding and comfort with diapers being a part of our lives.
So, why is this post called “My First Diaper Check?” Because it was something I had asked my wife about, and waited for her to process. She will ask me if I’m wet, and I’ve told her she’s more than welcome to ask or to check to see if I am whenever she’d like. I don’t ever want any aspect of diapers to have a negative impact on our day so I try to help her feel comfortable with me in them. She’s been more “hands off” until recently when she checked me for the first time. This melted me, and helped me feel a deeper love and connection for her.
I am thankful that she feels that she can interact with me that way, and be able to have open and honest communication with me about whatever part of our lives that she wants to. That policy isn’t just about diapers, but diapers have taught us the importance of being able to talk about anything. I am grateful that we are able to be vulnerable enough together to ask for things, and trust each other enough to wait for the other to process what they are feeling.
This all comes from building a foundation of trust for us to stand on together. We have been able to weather all of the HARD diaper conversations because we have a solid foundation of trust, faith, and love.
Tangentially this makes me think of a Reel/TikTok/Short that I saw somewhere where they interviewed people randomly regarding salary and attractiveness. It made me sad to see a number get set on acceptability or happiness to even have a chance to get to know someone. My wife and I built our financial stability and success together. We started out with very little. We definitely didn’t meet the salary requirements being thrown out by those being interviewed. It was through our dating and first years of marriage that we built that foundation together where we pushed for the success of the other.
My wife is very successful in her professional life, and I am her biggest cheerleader and study buddy. I put the hours in because I love her and care about her, not because of the financial reward she might gain by achieving these goals. She supports me in taking risks that will make me happy. Again, not for the financial reward but for the mental and emotional reward that comes from it.
We built our success together, and I attribute those times to the reason we are so successful as a couple and individually today. So many people, ABDLs included, want dessert first (or they want to be able to run a marathon before training for the 5K). Talking with another ABDL who is much earlier in life than myself has shown me some of this in action. They desire immediate acceptance and allowance of diapers to past the point that I’ve worked over 40 years to attain. A decade of that time being working together with my wife.
How can we expect to get to the reward without the hard work. My successes come from the hours of hard work that go into preparing for the end result. I’ve trained months to run a long-distance relay. I’ve planned months and years for events that happen over a weekend. We must put the effort in for long-term success to occur.
Do you want a diaper check or some other ABDL engagement from your spouse? There are likely many other Baby Steps that will get you from where you are today to where you want to be. Please don’t circumvent the hard, it is the hard that makes it worth it.
Being an ABDL isn’t easy. Most of us do not choose to be here, but we can choose how we allow diapers to be part of our lives. For a lot of my life I didn’t see diapers as a blessing or benefit in my life, but that’s not how I feel now. Be brave enough to do that hard thing because the hard is what makes it great!
Photo by Jordan Benton
Aberrantly Me 