Limits and Labels

We are all too often our harshest critic in life.  After all, we have to live and put up with ourselves.  Because of that, we often impose limits and labels on ourselves.  While working with another ABDL I realized a bit deeper the power these limits and labels can have upon us in our own lives.  

Limits

About ten years ago, if you would have asked me about running any amount of distance I would have laughed at you.  My wife had taken up running after being asked to run a race with her sister, then some friends, and then even some members of my own family.  I supported her and cheered her on from a VERY safe distance.  She even asked me a few times if I wanted to get involved and try one.  I thought she was crazy!  You see, I had placed a limit on myself that I wasn’t capable of being a runner.  

I’d seen the “instagram” version of what running was, and that was absolutely NOT me.  I weighed way too much, I was WAY too slow, and who could look good in those shorts?!  Some kidding aside (mostly about the shorts), I had kept myself far from anything that resembled running.  I had placed a limit on myself that I wasn’t good enough or capable of something.

How often do we do that to ourselves?  How many times have you missed out on an opportunity for growth because you placed an internal limiter on what you were capable of?  Often, before we can understand why we reach for diapers or why we want to wear diapers we place limits on ourselves.  For me, I did this but didn’t know why I was doing it.  It was foreign, different, scary perhaps.  Dare I say it was aberrant?

It took many years for me to be able to build a foundation where I was able to begin asking myself what my greater “why” was regarding diapers in my life.  I had to remove a limit that I’d placed on myself where I wasn’t going to work to understand them.  I’d labeled myself (more on that in a bit) and that furthered the shame and emotional roller coaster that led to multiple binge/purge cycles and countless occurrences of berating myself in front of the mirror.  Allowing myself to explore my deeper why, within the bounds of what I know to be healthy in my life, set the stage for success where self acceptance was possible.  

Back to running for a minute.. It was only until I finally decided things needed to change that I even cracked open the opportunity to change.  My wife and I began to workout and change the basic things in our lives that would make positive changes.  Eating better, regimented workouts, sleeping enough (and for me, removing screens when I headed to bed), and other small things were the basis of our change.  While seeing results I was traveling for work, and found it difficult at times to do a HIIT workout in my hotel room or their gym (I was still VERY self conscious) so I decided to jump on a treadmill and jog a bit to at least elevate my heart rate for the same amount of time as my workout.  That first time I got on the treadmill I know I was worried about every single person around me that MUST have been accomplished marathon runners.  I was so worried about looking bad or running wrong, but I still did it.  It was HARD, but it set the stage for me to do it again the next time.  

Those small moments grew, and I can still remember where I was when I ran an entire TEN minutes without stopping to walk.  Oddly enough it was the exact same place where I doubled that and ran TWENTY whole minutes without a break.  Something inside of me changed, and the limit that I’d placed on myself began to loosen.

Did the limit go away completely in a flash or display of fireworks explosions?  No.  It was a loosening as I gained confidence in myself.  I began removing the limit that I couldn’t be a runner to a place where I began running outside.  Since then I have run over a dozen long-distance relays with my wife, and have learned the clarity I can receive from running.  There is so much more going on there that I’d love to share, but I better reel things back in a bit.

The point is that I set limits on myself with ABDL.  Please understand this is not inherently a bad thing.  Many ABDLs have a sexual component associated with their affinity or desire to wear diapers and that can lead you down a path towards pornography and other things that are not beneficial in your life.  Understanding yourself and setting limits can be very healthy in maintaining the kind of life that you want to live.  The limits I’m talking about are ones that were unjustifiably put in place.  I had tried to shut out and delete ABDL from my life.  I had placed a limit on myself where I couldn’t understand this part of myself that regardless of how hard I’ve tried to get rid of it is still part of my life.

It was facing that limitation, and allowing it to be loosened through self-discovery and self-acceptance that I have been able to discover my “why” behind diapers.  They are a warm hug, a security blanket, and a respite from the stress and complexity of the life that I live.  Diapers level me out, and help me manage the myriad of emotions that come and go.  The limit that I’d placed on myself because diapers were “unacceptable” had kept me from understanding so much more about myself.

Labels

During this time of limiting I found myself, in what I considered at the time moments of weakness, wearing a diaper.  I would fight and struggle and finally succumb to taping myself up and wearing a diaper.  In these times I would often walk by a mirror.  I don’t recall any specific label or name that I called myself, but I do remember that it was definitely not a positive experience.  I berated and shamed myself for what a horrible person I was.  I looked down on what a pathetic person I was for being so weak that I was putting a diaper on myself.  Those labels, those names, did nothing to help me be a better person.

In helping another ABDL begin to understand themselves I saw many label and names hurled.  One that stung to me was “freak.”  I could feel the emotional distress and pain through emails, text messages, and phone calls they were experiencing.  When things were particularly bad they would use the word freak to describe themselves.  In those moments I mentally went back to the mirror.  I remember doing that to myself.  I remember calling myself those things.  I also see now that it did no good in my growth.  

I urge you to please be kind to yourself as you work through your own journey of discovery and understanding.  Life is hard enough, and having a deep-rooted desire to wear a diaper doesn’t initially help things out.  I can promise you that through building a foundation for yourself to stand on, you can see that wanting to wear a diaper does not make you a freak or monster (or whatever concoction of words that you have strung together to describe the person you don’t understand inside).  It makes you, you.  I want to wear diapers.  Even today that can be a bit tough to type out.  I’m still working on myself as I continue to learn and grow, and I hope that you are kind enough to allow the space where that can occur in your own life.  

Please, choose to be kind.

Photo by Miguel Á. Padriñán