Imploding

My life, it seems, comes in waves of positives and negatives.  I don’t know why, but it seems there is a consistent, “when it rains, it pours” things happening in my life.  So much to the point that when I acknowledge mentally that things are going well, and I immediately begin to wonder what will be the moment, text, or event that will put me back in my place.  I call it being “on top of the world.”

Historically I’ve used diapers as a way to manage this balance in my life, but what do I do when I even look at the diaper and turn away?  

Yesterday I began the day by deciding to pad up.  The decision was part work schedule and other parts comfort.  I feel like the beginning of my day, mixed with a small drive to make the day a positive one, was positive.  I had a good set of meetings, facilitated a two hour conversation with people all over the company I work for, and was in a good frame of mind.  Then, in the afternoon while wrapping up work for the day I began to emotionally spiral down.  I did receive an email that wasn’t completely awesome, but I don’t know if that was the reason for the beginning of the descent from the positive.  It was work, effort, drudgery to get through the day and I lost any desire for self improvement or care to be happy.  I got into bed and escaped the day through unconsciousness.  

Waking up the following morning with a headache is no surprise to me, but never something I’m excited about.  Still, I pushed to get up without a snooze and try and habitually get myself in a good routine again for positivity.  The headache made me less than stellar so I again padded up in a cloth-backed diaper to add a bit of stealth to my morning where I didn’t worry much about crinkle around the kids before I took them to school.

While waiting for the kids to all be ready for school I sat down and began work for the day where there was another email that tugged at a string that has been a recurring theme in the past year or two.  It pushed me even farther down the hole, and the emotion and pressure increased.  I find in these times that I am not the best person to be around so I was trying really hard not to offload how I was feeling onto my kids as they finished preparing for their days.  

Upon getting them all to school I looked at my diaper, and in that moment felt the negativity increase and folded it up and put it back.  At that moment I wasn’t even in a place to wear a diaper.  An item that I reach for when I’m feeling this way in an effort to balance and sooth how I’m feeling.  

Now I sit here in the relative quiet and darkness behind my keyboard and screens trying to work.  Diaperless, without hope/happiness, and more or less numb.  I’m worried about what I will say when my wife wakes up and interacts with me.  These struggles are not new, and I worry about offloading and sharing them with her so much.  She’s currently dealing with her own emotional battles, and I don’t want to burden her with more than she already has.

Writing has been a consistently good outlet for me in the past few years, and I have felt the burden lift some while writing these paragraphs.  I hope that I can continue to head in this direction as my day continues.  I don’t want to continue to mask and fake who I am in front of everyone else so much and so often.

I feel like I’m losing color, taste, and desire for the things in life that have historically brought me joy.  It is more of a labor to get myself into action.  I constantly volunteer and engage in the community, and even that feels like a chore.

Does anyone else get to this point?  If so, what do you do?

Photo by cottonbro from Pexels

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