My life, it seems, comes in waves of positives and negatives. I don’t know why, but it seems there is a consistent, “when it rains, it pours” things happening in my life. So much to the point that when I acknowledge mentally that things are going well, and I immediately begin to wonder what will be the moment, text, or event that will put me back in my place. I call it being “on top of the world.”
Historically I’ve used diapers as a way to manage this balance in my life, but what do I do when I even look at the diaper and turn away?
Yesterday I began the day by deciding to pad up. The decision was part work schedule and other parts comfort. I feel like the beginning of my day, mixed with a small drive to make the day a positive one, was positive. I had a good set of meetings, facilitated a two hour conversation with people all over the company I work for, and was in a good frame of mind. Then, in the afternoon while wrapping up work for the day I began to emotionally spiral down. I did receive an email that wasn’t completely awesome, but I don’t know if that was the reason for the beginning of the descent from the positive. It was work, effort, drudgery to get through the day and I lost any desire for self improvement or care to be happy. I got into bed and escaped the day through unconsciousness.
Waking up the following morning with a headache is no surprise to me, but never something I’m excited about. Still, I pushed to get up without a snooze and try and habitually get myself in a good routine again for positivity. The headache made me less than stellar so I again padded up in a cloth-backed diaper to add a bit of stealth to my morning where I didn’t worry much about crinkle around the kids before I took them to school.
While waiting for the kids to all be ready for school I sat down and began work for the day where there was another email that tugged at a string that has been a recurring theme in the past year or two. It pushed me even farther down the hole, and the emotion and pressure increased. I find in these times that I am not the best person to be around so I was trying really hard not to offload how I was feeling onto my kids as they finished preparing for their days.
Upon getting them all to school I looked at my diaper, and in that moment felt the negativity increase and folded it up and put it back. At that moment I wasn’t even in a place to wear a diaper. An item that I reach for when I’m feeling this way in an effort to balance and sooth how I’m feeling.
Now I sit here in the relative quiet and darkness behind my keyboard and screens trying to work. Diaperless, without hope/happiness, and more or less numb. I’m worried about what I will say when my wife wakes up and interacts with me. These struggles are not new, and I worry about offloading and sharing them with her so much. She’s currently dealing with her own emotional battles, and I don’t want to burden her with more than she already has.
Writing has been a consistently good outlet for me in the past few years, and I have felt the burden lift some while writing these paragraphs. I hope that I can continue to head in this direction as my day continues. I don’t want to continue to mask and fake who I am in front of everyone else so much and so often.
I feel like I’m losing color, taste, and desire for the things in life that have historically brought me joy. It is more of a labor to get myself into action. I constantly volunteer and engage in the community, and even that feels like a chore.
Aberrantly Me 