Accepting, Acceptance, Embracing

I didn’t realize the difference those three words could make.

Sitting here thinking about who I was over five years ago, and where I was in an interesting thought exercise.  This was before many hard conversations with my wife.  This was before a world-wide pandemic.  This was before meeting hundreds of people I now consider friends.

Rewind a few more years.. Back then I was not accepting of myself.  I had fought the boy/teen/man in the mirror that I was repulsed by wearing a diaper.  This was not normal, I was not normal.  Why would I want this?  Why would I do this to myself? The Binge/Purge cycle presented itself many times in my life, and with it came the guilt and shame of not understanding what I was or why I wanted diapers in my life.  This came in waves in and out of my life until I decided to confront or approach diapers in a different way; through the lens of acceptance.  It was then that the real work began, and actual progress was possible.

Accepting (Mine)

I had ran to and from diapers my entire life.  You’d think I would’ve been in better shape from all of the running to them and then frantically away from them.  I didn’t understand them and at a deeper level I didn’t understand myself.  Because I couldn’t grasp or consider accepting diapers as part of my life I couldn’t get past the initial road block of WHY they kept creeping into my consciousness.  There was no level of accepting them in my life until that migraine-filled evening while traveling for work. It was from that evening on that I allowed the concept of accepting diapers into my life.

I began down a path that winded between mental wins and losses.  Before that evening I had only told my wife in two sentences and no follow up that I liked to wear diapers.  Those words were followed by a LONG silence (years).  I had purchased diapers, and not purged them.  I still hid diapers from my wife, and wore while I was alone or when no one else was around.  These times were few and far between.  I did allow myself to purchase my first ABDL-printed diapers that I had shipped to a hotel during a work trip.  Those allowed me to see that I did enjoy some form of AB (adult baby) or little side as the prints made me feel something.  

Acceptance (Mine)

When did I cross the threshold or take the step into a place where I wasn’t dipping me toes into acceptance, but was in a much deeper place of acceptance?  This is likely years after my first conversation with my wife when I decided to share more with her.  This was the beginnings of this blog and the other presence of aberrantlyme online.  During this phase were many tense conversations where my wife and I tried to navigate unknown waters together.

Have you ever tried to go on a trip when neither people in the car know where they are going?  It felt a bit like that.  I didn’t ever know if/when it was okay to talk about what I was feeling.  I also didn’t really know what I was feeling.  I learned as much as my wife did everytime I opened mouth.  

Another example:  Have you ever tried to tell someone how to bake a cake while also baking it for the first time yourself while you are trying to tell the other person?  That’s how our conversations felt to me. I was expressing emotions and thoughts that had never left the walls of my mind.  I praise my wife for her patience and understanding as I tried to both explain to her what ABDL was, what it meant to me, and figure out both of those same things for myself.  It was here that my wife began her “accepting” phase.

Embracing (Mine)

Through time, trial, blog posts, and a growing community of amazing people I found my own footed pajama footing with diapers.  I learned through normalizing and patience with myself what diapers mean to me.  I learned WHY I reach for them, and how they are part of what makes me who I am.  This process continues today.  While I feel I have a pretty solid foundation, I know that I will continue to “sharpen the saw” and improve who I am in relation to my affinity to wear diapers.

I have been able to have many experiences in my life wearing diapers that reinforces to myself that I can be good, I can be acceptable, I can be worthy wearing a diaper.  These experiences show me that diapers do not define me.  I am so much more than just an adult who chooses to wear a diaper.  I do so in an effort to be the best version of myself for me, my wife, and my family.

Diapers, in both of our lives, look much different than they did five years ago.  My wife’s willingness to accept me and diapers has shown me how much she loves me.  I do not feel heightened stress when wearing a diaper or when having them around.  Something as stressful as “a first look” is now commonplace in our life.  Diapers, like other parts of our lives, will only control what we let them.  Finding your balance and honing in on what makes diapers a positive part of your life will help you in your own struggles for accepting, acceptance, and embracing them. 

Photo by Edward Eyer