Growth comes from trial. Growth comes from pain. We often don’t like it, and most often don’t enjoy it. Rightfully so, it hurts. Often though, we like the result or outcome of the growth.
I’m presently working to lose some weight, and part of that is being uncomfortable with not eating everything in sight. Shocking, I know, that if you don’t eat everything you stand a better chance at losing weight.
I recently, unknowingly, asked for a bit of pain. I was working on another post for this blog, and really liked the concept of what I was writing. Who knows, you may still get to see the result of that writing in the future. Over the past few months I have shared with my wife more of what I’ve been writing, and she’s been asking about it and the people that I’ve been interacting with through my blog, socials, and Discord server. I was writing about the stages of acceptance that she’s seen, but through my journey and perspective. In the middle of the writing I began thinking of what this post could look like as a “back and forth” between my perspective and hers.
I wrote through the majority of the post with placeholders where I felt her experiences would fit into the overall story of our growth together. A week or so later she was in my office, and I had the thought to excitedly share with her my idea. I thought she’d be comfortable enough to share candidly where she was as we were working through various stages of our growth and comfort level with diapers in our lives.
She hesitantly replied that she wasn’t sure if I was ready or prepared to hear what she had to say. I didn’t understand. She expounded a bit, and gave me a peek into her emotional state at certain parts of our journey together. I knew that it wasn’t easy for her, and I heard some of what she relayed to me in my office a few years ago, but not in its entirety or depth in which she was living.
Pain, a bit of shame, and other emotions trickled in as I heard what she was saying. She reassured me of the sure footing that we were on, and that she loves me (all of me). It still reminded me why I had hesitated for so long to share this part of who I was with anyone else in my life.
It reinforced to me the importance of building a foundation between my wife and I to help us withstand trials as they arise in our lives. What I didn’t know is the amount of withdrawal that diapers took from that bank of trust.
It has been a gut check, and now I must choose what I will do with it. I must choose what I will do with this opportunity for growth. Has it been a bit painful? Yes. Can I learn and grow from it? Yes. Does this deepen my love that I have for my wife. Again, yes.
In our conversation my wife shared with me that she believes that our love has been deepened BECAUSE of the diapers. She believes that diapers have been a trial that has brought us closer together. Am I thankful for the trial? I am thankful that we were able to successfully navigate it together.
It reminded me about a Sunday School lesson from earlier in the year where we discussed Alma’s teaching of a “mighty change of heart.” Our conversation drifted that day also to a “broken heart and contrite spirit” in connection to repentance, forgiveness, and change. That entire Sunday actually was centered around those concepts. Did I hear? Was I listening?
That day, that week, and that conversation definitely have caught my attention. I have felt a change in myself since the talk with my wife, even if it was not a complete one, and my wife has confirmed to me that she’s seen a shift in me as well. A positive one. The thing is…that things weren’t bad, from my perspective, prior to the chat.
We can always do better. We can always be better. Maybe that’s the lesson. That I need to step up my game and be more, be better, for my wife, my kids, the people I serve, the ABDL community, and myself.
I can be better.
Photo by David Alberto Carmona Coto
Aberrantly Me 