“I’ll Try”

The following is something I wrote after one of the first conversations I had with my wife. There is a lot of emotion in the writing, and I want to leave it written as I first wrote it. I don’t want this to confuse people, but there is a space of time from when I wrote this and when this was posted.

Afraid that I have crossed a bridge or unrolled something that cannot come back.  Have I done it selfishly? Can she understand and accept? Is there any going back?  I told her that the moment that has caused the place I am in now is regrettable for the current, immediate pain and deep, inner pressure but I hope that the fact it happened will be for a good reason.  Something to bring us to a stronger, more solid foundation in our friendship, love, and marriage.

This is where we are.  This is where we begin the next part of our journey.  Again, I cannot express what an amazing woman my wife is.  For listening, battling, and continuing to listen and having the conversation with me.  The whole time she has been brutally honest with me, knowing it will hurt me but help us together.

Our third, long conversation was filled with emptiness on my side.  Many things were said that were hurtful, and while I don’t think she meant it to hurt or was saying it to hurt, they did.  She has since told me how bad she feels for the things she has said. This in large part is why I feel Baby Steps makes all the sense in the world.

During this conversation I was wrought with the pain of being something fundamentally wrong or unacceptable.  These things hurt in a way that I could not understand. I think I had called myself versions of those things in the past as I’ve worked to understand but to have someone else say them to me, someone that I am closer to than any other person, hurt.  It hurt in a way that I do not think I can properly convey.

In that same conversation as she wrestled with what we were talking about she said two words that immediately brought hope, light, and warmth to my heart.  She said, “I’ll try.” Not that she accepted me hook, line, and sinker (again this is her being brutally honest with me), but that she would try. Further conversation the next day has began the process of what does that mean, and that again is where Baby Steps comes into play.  We both made promises that we would try to do certain things.  At the end of the fourth conversations, she committed to look into talking with someone and trying to be open to try other things like the few spoonfuls of rocky road.  That is at least my best interpretation of it, and how to convey it. She still doesn’t know what trying is and looks like, but the commitment to do so means everything to me.  

I committed to her concerns as well, and would be more cognizant around our children.  I do not wear around them much at all, but it was a concern to her and I will honor it to make sure it does not become a pinch point or problem.  She also helped me understand what she is comfortable with at this point. I worried so much after the initial conversation to do anything as I didn’t even want a crinkle to create a bad feeling or rift between us.  I will likely struggle with that, but I refuse to hurt her more than I already have. Again, I never realized what a monumental step just talking about wearing was. It is something I have come to grips with over the course of thirty years.  How selfish of me, that I didn’t see. I absolutely feel I am able to see everything in a much different light now, and am growing daily.

Growth, understanding, and acceptance.

Photo by Miguel Á. Padriñán from Pexels

5 thoughts on ““I’ll Try”

  1. Thank you again for sharing this. You mentioning your wife not wanting you wearing around the children is an idea I agree with for myself. I think the idea of my kids ever finding out is one of the strongest motivators to refrain from wearing. I know I’m thinking too far in the future since my kid is 2, but as teenagers, kids are inclined to see their parents as hindrances to their lives, and I can’t imagine them respecting me if ever I were to be discovered, not only in an adult diaper, but one babyish in design. Someone once said that it’s not a matter of IF you get fought, but WHEN, and I feel if I had diapers anywhere in our home, they’d be discovered at some point. But perhaps you yourself were never caught.

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    1. I think it would be very hard to explain or discuss something like ABDL with teenagers (out most adults for that matter).

      We all need a plan, and I need to develop a better one.

      I have not been caught yet, but I would rather not tempt fate and be cautious.

      Take the time that you have right now to get a plan in place, and figure out how you will approach things. The time will fly faster than you think so.

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      1. Oddly, I have never thought to make a plan for if they found out. Though I do feel like I know the why’s behind it well enough to explain it as clear as one can to someone who isn’t a DL. Back when I believed I was the only one, I told quite a few people, so when I told my wife-to-be, I had gotten better at explaining it. I do have this irrational fear of my children becoming an ABDL. I’ve said to my wife how we’ve got to give equal attention to our first once our second is born, and maybe even changing her sister in private, since that always involves a lot of attention just to get them to stay .

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      2. I have thought back a lot looking for a reason behind why I am like this, and I cannot find an experience or action that I feel would have brought me to this place. I have thought about my kids being like me, and while I some wish it upon them if they do, I hope I can discuss it with them in a good way that helps them grow and figure it out much better than we did growing up.

        Be careful not to try to avoid it so hard one way that you give the kids a reason to think you are hiding something from them.

        Equal attention is hard, and only gets harder as they ask grow and begin having different interests. Balance is tough, but we are always typically harder on the oldest and spoil the youngest after we neglect and forget about the middle child. (That is in jest, but with some realistic overtones)

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      3. My reasons are pretty clear from the get-go: one being the center of it is having been born with physical limitations, I never fit in from the start –in athletics or whatever was important to young boys, and diapers helped me escape to an age where expectations were less . And if any of my children were to be (chances being lower with two girls) I recognize and am grateful for the great support online, but also know of the dangerous side too.

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