The following is something I wrote after one of the first conversations I had with my wife. There is a lot of emotion in the writing, and I want to leave it written as I first wrote it. I don’t want this to confuse people, but there is a space of time from when I wrote this and when this was posted.
Afraid that I have crossed a bridge or unrolled something that cannot come back. Have I done it selfishly? Can she understand and accept? Is there any going back? I told her that the moment that has caused the place I am in now is regrettable for the current, immediate pain and deep, inner pressure but I hope that the fact it happened will be for a good reason. Something to bring us to a stronger, more solid foundation in our friendship, love, and marriage.
This is where we are. This is where we begin the next part of our journey. Again, I cannot express what an amazing woman my wife is. For listening, battling, and continuing to listen and having the conversation with me. The whole time she has been brutally honest with me, knowing it will hurt me but help us together.
Our third, long conversation was filled with emptiness on my side. Many things were said that were hurtful, and while I don’t think she meant it to hurt or was saying it to hurt, they did. She has since told me how bad she feels for the things she has said. This in large part is why I feel Baby Steps makes all the sense in the world.
During this conversation I was wrought with the pain of being something fundamentally wrong or unacceptable. These things hurt in a way that I could not understand. I think I had called myself versions of those things in the past as I’ve worked to understand but to have someone else say them to me, someone that I am closer to than any other person, hurt. It hurt in a way that I do not think I can properly convey.
In that same conversation as she wrestled with what we were talking about she said two words that immediately brought hope, light, and warmth to my heart. She said, “I’ll try.” Not that she accepted me hook, line, and sinker (again this is her being brutally honest with me), but that she would try. Further conversation the next day has began the process of what does that mean, and that again is where Baby Steps comes into play. We both made promises that we would try to do certain things. At the end of the fourth conversations, she committed to look into talking with someone and trying to be open to try other things like the few spoonfuls of rocky road. That is at least my best interpretation of it, and how to convey it. She still doesn’t know what trying is and looks like, but the commitment to do so means everything to me.
I committed to her concerns as well, and would be more cognizant around our children. I do not wear around them much at all, but it was a concern to her and I will honor it to make sure it does not become a pinch point or problem. She also helped me understand what she is comfortable with at this point. I worried so much after the initial conversation to do anything as I didn’t even want a crinkle to create a bad feeling or rift between us. I will likely struggle with that, but I refuse to hurt her more than I already have. Again, I never realized what a monumental step just talking about wearing was. It is something I have come to grips with over the course of thirty years. How selfish of me, that I didn’t see. I absolutely feel I am able to see everything in a much different light now, and am growing daily.