One of the biggest stresses that I have is that my wife will have a feeling where diapers are always an irritation. Even if it is just a small one I worry that her seeing or hearing me in a diaper might cause a negative reaction. I think most ABDLs feel this, especially early on in the journey of sharing this part of themselves with their spouses. While this has become a smaller concern for me, it still exists.
Even this morning I was wearing a onesie and diaper to bed, and I worried it would be something negative if/when she noticed. She didn’t say anything, but that didn’t stop me from over analyzing how she communicated with me when I woke up this morning.
I can’t put myself in the shoes of my spouse. I don’t know how much stress my affinity to wear diapers causes her, but I try hard to minimize it. I want her to see me first, and if I’m wearing a diaper it isn’t a big deal. We have definitely made a ton of progress in the last two years, and I think this blog has helped me have some more perspective and milestones to recognize.
With that worry of stress I also have a comment my wife made at one of our earliest conversations. She told me that she feels like there will ALWAYS be “one more thing.” My understanding of this comment roots from her feeling like she gets some footing with where we are together with diapers, and then something changes. That “one more thing” could be one of many things. Onesies are an example of that. I talked with her about wanting to get one, and the benefits that come from them. While she didn’t shut me down I think she felt it pile on that there will always be something new she needs to be okay with.
My perspective on how she might be receiving that is that I didn’t want to just drop everything on her at once. I’m not trying to hide anything from her, but I can only imagine the need for this to be consumable (for both of us). The other side of it for me is that I don’t know everything about my diapered self either. I’m learning about who I am in diapers everyday, and a onesie wasn’t something on my radar a few years ago. In my opinion, that has made it even harder because I don’t know it is coming either at times.
I still am not open about my pacifier. I don’t use it very often at all, and I’ve even left it out in the open (on accident and on purpose) a few times but I think I feel a little shame with it. I don’t fully understand it, but want to. Perhaps someday, but then at that point I’m sure there will be something else. I think, in part, that is what makes us and our lives beautiful. I’m not the same adult, dad, spouse, or adult baby that I was a year ago. Things come and go, and the hope is that we are finding better versions of ourselves every day.
The most recent time I heard my wife say “one more thing” was a surprise because it hadn’t even crossed my mind. It involved the massive teddy bear on my bed. In my worry and apprehension for the teddy bear I have realized how much I absolutely have enjoyed the additional cuddling. It has helped me sleep better, and possibly even relax a bit more. I then worried, because why wouldn’t I, that a teddy bear would take the place of my wife (who isn’t always the most open to wanting to cuddle). I was able to voice this to her, and she assured me it would not.
In a brief conversation recently it came up, and she told me that it didn’t feel like “one more thing.” It made me smile knowing that a small part of growth together regarding me in diapers wasn’t something that hurt her. Honestly, I think I have a harder time with allowing myself to be okay with snuggling a teddy bear (or even having it on my bed in the first place!) so it gave me pause to appreciate how amazing my wife is for just a moment.
Aberrantly Me 
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