I have this habit of not allowing myself to wear a diaper from time to time. I haven’t ever been able to nail down the reason why, but this time around I’m leaning on external stressors that are the cause of me not allowing myself the space and time to wear. It has always kept the mindset of balance and control since accepting my diapered self. There are times when I have withheld wearing in order to allow myself to remember that I am strong without them, and can go through hard things, when needed, without having a crinkle in my step.
I have found this to be a healthy exercise in keeping that balance I strive to maintain, but this current situation is not one of those times. There have been a series of times where I planned to wear, but then talk myself out of it or remove the possibility to wear because of the emotional state that I was in when I had gotten to the opportunity to wear.
My wife and I have been talking a bit more than normal about diapers, and part of that has been me being more vocal about how I am feeling emotionally. Due to a number of recent circumstances I’ve worn more hats than normal, and I feel the cumulative stress coupled with the inability for me to make time for myself. Running and diapers have both been helping me weather the storm and maintain some internal sanity.
A bit of a squirrel in the flow of what I’m trying to say, but I have a powerful connection with music, and in my recent runs I have had Em Beihold’s “Numb Little Bug” play and it has been slapping me in the face super hard.
I typically can manage large amounts of stress, and I appreciate that diapers help me out a lot when I need them.
Back to the last few days..
I have been slammed with work and personal stuff pretty much back to back for about six weeks, and I keep losing the little slices of time that I try to make for myself to other things that come up. In the last three days since writing this I’d told myself each day that I was going to wear towards the end of the day to try and unwind, and each day I wouldn’t do it.
This morning I was greeted with a migraine that was accompanied by nausea (my body does a good job telling me when I need to slow down, but because I’m typically not the person that will do it voluntarily). Not the best way to start a work week, but I hid myself from light and sound almost all day, and got plenty of frequent flier miles to the restroom.
Here I found myself again at a place where I wanted to wear because I wasn’t feeling well, but my migraine hurt so bad I couldn’t focus on tapping up. Also, the thought of bending down was too much, so there I stood against the wall with my hands covering my eyes because of the pressure. My wife walked up next to me, and asked me what I needed. She then also told me to allow myself to love myself. To be kind to myself, and allow myself something that will help me. In that moment, for the first time, she helped me get started padding myself up. She then gave me a big hug.
I thanked her and let her know how much the little things like that mean so much to me. Then a little later I did it again. I want her to understand how much that meant to me on a number of different levels, and I feel it was a step for her in her journey of incremental acceptance.
My wife taught me a lot today, and through the pain of the migraine I experienced a deeper love from her.
The embracing of her loving each and every part of who I am.
Photo by Elviss Railijs Bitāns