It was interesting to read this chapter because I was not the target audience. I had to change the lens in which I saw and consumed the information. Perhaps this is appropriate because when I shared this part of myself with my wife early on I’m sure she had to do the same. This is an aberrant thing, and it takes a bit of head turning, face scrunching, and eye squinting to take in.
It is also not something we share often or ever with other people. We learn to silo it often from other people, other parts of or lives, and even attempt to silo it from ourselves. For most of us as youth we didn’t have someone to turn to. How then could we possibly ask for help in any way that made sense.
The book talks quickly about what is considered “typical” and what is considered “atypical” with the line differentiation being if more or less than 50% of society would consider it a “normal” part of life. Obviously this is not something people consider typical. Most of us who wear the diapers would even concede that is atypical behavior. Again, how could we possibly feel we could/should share this?!
I naively told myself that a happy and healthy relationship would replace any need that I had for diapers. I don’t remember actually having that conversation with myself, but that is what happened. It should be no surprise that diapers remained a part of my life. Many times I binged and purged. I wanted them gone. Somewhere in my head there was a conversation saying something to the effect of:
“If I loved my wife enough I could make them go away. If I loved us enough I could give up diapers.”
I can tell you from all that is who I am that I tried to get rid of them many times before and after marrying my wife. Long, long before dating to marry I was trying to run away from them. If you are the ABDL or the spouse reading this know that love and communication is key here. Through loving myself, accepting myself, and communicating this over time to my wife I have been able to embrace myself wearing diapers and so has my wife.
Today is a good example of this. We were both in our bedroom changing when I changed my diaper, and was beginning to put on my clothes. Standing there in a shirt and my diaper she looked at me, smiled, and told me how much she loved me. She then reiterated that she loved me, diapers and all. It was a small affirmation that sank right to my heart.
The importance of moderation and balance
Since accepting myself I have given myself the ability to wear when I needed and wanted to. The rigidity of a schedule did not resonate with me, and my wife agreed that while I would help minimize surprises early on for her, it would not help me to wear when I needed them. For me, for us, we have found that my cadence to wear a diaper is “discovered and not dictated.”
This may not be the case for everyone, and I am not condoning a schedule for wearing diapers (especially early on in an ABDLs own acceptance as well as when the spouse is learning to understand, accept, and hopefully embrace their partner’s need and reason for wanting to wear a diaper. The ABDL/little needs to “normalize” wearing for themselves to push past the initial and often hedonistic reasons for putting a diaper on. After you are able to wear for your deeper and more meaningful reasons you will be better able to set guidelines, boundaries, and bumpers for a healthy approach as a couple.
In the last post I refer to the avoidance of ultimatums, and it bears repeating here. Do not begin bargaining and using ultimatums. Also, avoid “emotional weapons” where you are using emotions to hurt the other person in the conversation. Both of these are very hard to step back from.
The power behind a pat on the behind
Reassurance and reaffirmations cannot be downplayed. For me, at least, I wish that there were more little interactions like this between my wife and I. A small pat on the butt when I’m wearing or a little reminder of her love for me us very powerful in reinforcing level of acceptance from my spouse. Find little ways to remind each other that all of you is loved, even the crinkly bit. Over time and increased comfort levels as a couple you can find more ways for this to occur. The spouse may pick out a diaper to wear. Another huge way is when the spouse notices the ABDL partner is having a hard time or at an emotional space where they would often wear a diaper they put one out for them to wear. It reaches past acceptability and lets the little know the spouse understand what diapers truly do for them.
A few other notes..
I had a few other things pop onto my page of notes for this chapter that I think are relevant, but don’t weave cohesively together easily.
A female partner/spouse’s view of masculinity as it pertains to ABDL
This is something that I have worried about internally and also regarding my spouse. For me it was something where I worried my wife didn’t see me as her protector if I was sporting a onesie and crinkling around. Those worries have gone away, but it is something that time and experiences together will help with. My biggest step forward in this area was when my wife shared with me a dream she had about where she felt safe.
The power of community and meeting others IRL
This is a HUGE step for some because we hide and conceal this quirk our entire lives. I have had the opportunity to go on a few hikes with another ABDL. They were refreshing because it reinforced that ABDLs have depth and passions outside of diapers. We have talked for hours about real life and the associated issues in and out of diapers. I have also had the opportunity to have voice conversations that have helped me gain more understanding of myself and us as an ABDL community. Our Discord server has been an amazing place, and if you are looking for somewhere you can learn and share with others please reach out.
Putting pen to paper (or fingers to keyboard)
The book reinforces the power of journaling over and over again. We often live our lives in a way where we miss changes as they so subtly occur. A journal helps us look back on real, meaningful growth. I have kept a paper journal for almost 20 years, and this blog has become the ABDL representation of that same concept with my little side. For me it is therapy, it is growth, it is a sounding board, and it is non judgemental. Journaling is a great tool for both the Little and their spouse.
I think my take away the most as I concentrated on the spouse’s perspective has been (and this goes BOTH ways):