There are moments that exist within the walls of our mind where we struggle, battle, converse, and reconcile who we are with ourselves. These can be the most gratifying or painful conversations that we ever have. All too often we avoid these conversations because they are painful. Growth, change, and improvement is painful. Like most things in life it is worth the discomfort for the growth that we receive. These conversations begin with a risk versus reward or a pro/con list being constructed mentally or on paper after we finally stop lying to ourselves that it is time to change. I love whiteboarding with teams, and this translates to my own goal setting. I love the visual and the actual effort that goes into writing things down.
It is a bit comical to me that as much as I love technology and leverage it every day that I have a journal that I write in every week. Pen to paper with words and images is very gratifying to me as I work through many of my life’s challenges. There was even a point in my life where I was sitting in church and scribed out a number of pages revealing my affinity or desire to wear diapers. Growth occurred as I wrote down some feelings that had only been internal previously. Anxiety took over and I ripped out and destroyed these pages shortly after. This was years before I shared with my wife the aberrant side of myself.
Small steps like writing in my journal set me on the path to “owning” and accepting each aberrant part of myself. Diapers in my life, like many other Adult Babies and Diaper Lovers who come from all walks of life, have always pressed down on me. It typically comes in waves of acceptance and shame depending on many other external factors that press upon me. I began reaching for them far younger than I would have been able to understand or have a reason for them. I have continued to “wear” (see what I did there) this burden throughout my life. Sometimes I have worn it better, and other times I try to run away from myself.
It tooks years of growth and preparation for me to find myself in a place where I could even consider accepting this part of who I am. I had tried for decades to purge, remove, run from, and ignore the urge and connection with the safety and security that comes to me when taping on a diaper. I thought I would even grow out of it, or that marriage or kids would take the place of them in my life. Like many other members of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints I prayed and hoped they would not bother me or deter me from serving a mission. They were not a large presence during my service as a missionary, but came back when I got down to college. Taping up in a six-tape Depend plastic-backed diaper was one of the first things I did after getting settled into my house for college.
I had also hoped that when I got married that whatever void diapers were filling would be filled by my spouse and kids. After some time they came back again, and I began to working towards the road of acceptance. I didn’t know that’s where I was headed at first, but after enough mental binge/purge cycles coupled with throwing half used bags of diapers as well in disgust with myself I started to change my mindset with diapers through stories and posts of a few people that I’d found online. Some of which have disappeared from their postings, and I wish I had a way to connect with them to thank them for their words, their experiences, and their strength as they posted final comments on their blog of acceptance and finding solace in the diaper that they were wearing. It was in those moments that for the first time that I had the thought of acceptance enter my mind.
Years later, I am now working on sculpting the best version of myself. I have seen this image a few times regarding running and getting in shape, but I also see myself in diapers in that image. There is a version of myself hiding under all the doubt, shame, pain, hurt, and embarrassment where I can stand taller than I do now when a bit of a crinkle in my step.
What are we doing to “find a better way, everyday?” It is very much like the seventh habit from Covey’s books where we must sharpen the saw. Each day must hav opportunity for growth and gain. After we establish ourselves on a happy and healthy foundation we can find ways to continue to grow. Ways that will help us chisel away the negative stigmas that we place on ourselves mentally regarding who we are and the image we give ourselves around our deisre to wear diapers.
I hope to delve deeper into Seven Habits at some point, but for today I want each and everyone of you out there that you are amazing. The padded version of you is amazing! Diapers don’t define you, but are part of how you can be a better person, if you leverage them in that way. Like anything good in life we can partake too much where they could become a toxic habit or hindrance to our personal, spiritual, and professional growth. Here enters the power of balance that each of us must find in our own lives.
My own balance, which includes the support and help of my wife, is going to be different for each of us. We help each other in so many ways, but then you must step into the dark and find your own place in diapers. What is healthy, productive, and balanced. Only you can truly know, and only you will be able to feel it. Each day as you chip away a bit more of the negative in your life you will discover more potential and possibility.