It was towards the end of a very stressful and generally intense week. Non-stop activities, practices, school, work, side-work, consulting, and who knows what else all going on at the same time. On top of all of this my wife was less available than she normally is so I took the brunt of the workload myself with my littles.
I had finally made it to Saturday afternoon where there was a gap in our crammed schedule. My wife had returned from being away and asked me what the plan for the rest of the day was. I told her that my entire plan was to get to this point, and I hadn’t even put a thought into what would happen once we finished the last of the scheduled items. I was exhausted, and had been putting myself emotionally through the ringer.
My wife told me that she was going to take a nap, and in that moment my brain screamed to the rest of my body that sounded like a great idea. I had also wanted to work out, and surprisingly enough that side of my brain won the battle as I slumped deeper and deeper into our couch.
Running and working out is a mental escape for me (most of the time), and I placed myself in a location where I was in a very large place all alone. I had chosen this to afford myself some room to just be. To exist, and work out some of the weight that was on my mind, shoulders, and chest. There is a peace to solely occupying a space for a while where you are left to your own noise and the environment around you. After completing a workout I sat on the bleacher, and just existed for a few moments. Part of me wanted to again to lay down and just exist, but saner heads prevailed because it would have been very uncomfortable, and my back would not have enjoyed the knots I would have put in it by trying to relax on the bleachers.
In those moments as I wrapped up my workout, returned my shoes to my bag, and gathered the rest of my things I decided I would come home, shower, and wear a diaper. My little side was reaching for the feeling of escape and simplicity. I could feel the thick padding of a diaper in my mind, and wanted to “unplug” from my lists and worries for the remainder of the day.
On my way home I received a call from my mother, and heard of a family that was in need. They had moved into our area, and were essentially starting over. This single mother and her children were getting the keys to their apartment and didn’t have anything to furnish the home with. This opportunity to service latched onto my brain, and I began thinking of how we could help. There were a number of things we had recently done at our home where there were extra appliances, furniture, and even some electronics that we had not done anything with. Things that were taking up space, and would normally drive me crazy. I hadn’t had the time to address these things, but here was the moment.
I got home, and ran through the shower before telling my wife and kids about the phone call I had gotten before going to get ready to leave. I realized while getting ready to provide the service that serving and wearing a diaper didn’t have to be mutually exclusive. I was able to help someone else out while being diapered at the same time. While it wasn’t the evening of being unplugged I had planned I was still able to balance myself with a diaper while helping out someone else.
My family all joined in, and I appreciate their willingness to give their time and material “things” to others. My wife was already having an amazing conversation in our vehicle after we finished getting everything into their apartment, but I caught the end where my oldest son talked about how he felt doing service. They all recognized the feelings that came from service, and I hope it is a memory they will remember for years to come.
For me, I am thankful for the opportunity to serve, and I am also thankful for allowing myself to diaper up and button on my onesie before I left. I struggle with allowing myself to be myself, and I know there is more personal acceptance and growth for me to attain. It makes me nervous to even think about what to type. I often worry so much about allowing myself to be. I see that as a sign that I do not completely accept myself yet. Part of my worry extends to my wife and the optics of how she really sees me.
I hope and pray for continued growth on my side, and acceptance and understanding on hers. Until then I am thankful for the moments that builds me up. Moments like today’s service while being in a diaper and others like Skiing together while being padded in an ABU Bunny Hop.