I have a powerful connection to music. I love listening to the beauty and math behind music. Progression and flow make sense to my brain. Beat matching and creating flow for a crowd are something that I rather enjoy. I have many memories tied to songs (both positive and painful), and I find answers through song. I even find that I struggle to feel “normal” emotional responses to big events in life (death of a loved one, graduation, big moments). Media and music help bubble emotions up for me, and perhaps that is why I enjoy content creation so much. Enough about me though.
During my journey of sharing my “big three” with my wife she has repeatedly found her answers to the things I have brought to her in a song. There have been three large conversations, and three songs have presented themselves at some interval to her at a moment when she needed them.
I know the things I have presented to her are well outside her lens of “normal.” Perhaps that is partially why I have found connection with the word aberrant so much. Each time, in varying durations, she has been able to come back to me with an answer that she found through music. Each time she sends me a text or a screenshot with a song, and no other reference. We do this often, for many reasons, so it doesn’t hit me until I listen to the song and have the answer wash over me as well. I feel the impact the song had on her, and this can be a very powerful representation of what she is experiencing.
So it happened again. I recently got a text message with a screenshot of a song she was listening to on Pandora. I asked about it, and her reply was only that I needed to listen to it. I downloaded it, and soon after we ended up on a drive to a wrestling match for our son where I hit play on it.
“Just the Way” opens with the lines:
“I love you just the way God made you
Girl, he don’t make mistakes
What you call your imperfections
I call beautiful, babe”
The song continues to talk about perceptions of imperfections, and while the roles are reversed in the song the meaning rang true to me. Looking into her eyes, and holding her hands after the song was over made me feel all warm and fuzzy inside. It was in that moment that I began to realize what the impact of what she was communicating to me was. I worry, I stress, but I will take her answer in stride as we continue on our path together.
I am committing to myself that I will not always worry about wearing, and when I wear that I will try to make the most out of it. I know it helps me, and if I can continue to have positive experiences with my wife surrounding diapers and ABDL-related conversations I know they can continue to help me balance and be my best self.
This song reveal came out of nowhere this time, weeks after our last conversation. I had struggled pretty hard this time around, and even went through a partial purge as I was trying to be “better” for my wife without them. Things had somewhat normalized back out and I wasn’t wearing often, but had allowed myself a few times. I had felt myself pull back hard, and had lost a lot of ground to where I had gotten myself earlier in the year. Now I’m taking in the song, and what she told me to further try and allow myself to feel like it is ok, that I am okay. I’m hoping to push past “Unacceptably Me” and get back on track.
So far I’ve had positive experiences and feel my wife’s love even when I’m diapered. One where I was worried it would not be, but she embraced me and made me feel loved. It will take a series of those to help me rebuild confidence in my diapered self and in my comfort level in wearing.