I wanted so much for my previous post, A series of unfortunate events, to help remove some of the emotional burden that I have been feeling. Typically writing is very therapeutic and helpful for me. For one of the first times ever I submitted the post feeling more worried and pained than when I began the post. I had struggled through weeks of pain, and almost purging, to get where I was at. My wife and I had talked about a lot, and she had allowed conversations to happen. I think she knew they needed to happen, and avoiding them was only causing more pain.
We had a number of them in a few days that took a lot of time. She stayed up with me as we talked and I expressed how I felt. I reiterated comments she had made that were very hurtful, and let her know how I was feeling. She had better emotional grounding and was able to help me feel better about where we were.
I have allowed myself to wear a few times since, and the immediate peaceful feeling that washed over me just reinforced my love/hate for diapers. They help, and it pains me that they do. Why have I allowed them in, accepted them, and conditioned myself to incorporate them as part of my life? My wife is working for acceptance, but still struggles at times so I am trying very hard to accommodate and allow her that space.
I hope to worry less as I wear more. I want them to be able to help me without hurting her.
We continue to communicate in smaller ways about them where I hope they will lose their sting to her. One of the diapers I like the most has a giraffe on it. I have begun texting her part of that image when I am wearing so she is not caught off guard or surprised that I might crinkle when I’m around her. Hopefully through giraffes and other means we can keep ourselves on the same page where small things do not pile up into mountains of emotional messiness.
I do feel lighter in writing this post, and remembering the positive conversations we have had since helps me to feel better in wanting to wear my next diaper.