In LEAN thinking there are often rapid cycles of change that allow teams to quickly determine if a change is productive and capable of relieving a bottleneck in productivity. It opens up the concept that failure is not a bad thing, but a tool in which we leverage to achieve success. Let that one sink in for a minute.
Failure is not inherently a bad thing. I know, for me, that has not always been in my wheelhouse of thinking. Many, many times growing up (and even at times more recently) I have walked past a mirror while diapered, and felt like a failure. I have succumbed to the desire to wear, and felt like nothing. I would see nothing of worth in the mirror. It hurt, and felt like failure. I would feel that putting a diaper on was an admission that I was weak, and allowing myself to lose the battle with myself. This is so destructive, and has left long-term mental scars of my own self worth.
In the last two years I have been able to consider, in small steps, that wearing a diaper is not accepting defeat or admitting defeat. It is allowing part of myself to be helped and healed in a way that can be productive. Sitting here, working and wearing a diaper, I am able to be productive and purposeful while allowing myself to be comforted by a diaper.
Am I a failure? No.
The failure was not having the tools and support system in place to acknowledge that diapers were part of who I was, and continuing to fight them was damaging me. I have found balance. I have not since swung completely the other way, and began wearing 24/7, and am all ABDL all the time. I have found a place where I can wear, and be a better person because of them. This “place” changes and will continue to evolve as my life changes.
- My children will grow up and my opportunities to wear them will change.
- My wife’s level of comfort and acceptance will change with time.
- My own desire to wear may change over time.
My life with diapers in the last two years has become a series of Rapid Learning Experiments. Through conversations with my wife coupled with internal evaluations I would choose to wear more or less often. I would receive feedback and then over time we would modify behavior and begin evaluating again. Even in failures, where my wife and I have a less than stellar conversation or emotional interaction, I have tried to find long-term success and feedback to make a better version of myself with the perspective of eternity. Each time we stop and evaluate my wearing has changed a little bit.
Time and duration of exposure to this version of me to my wife will change how these experiments go. I must keep the perspective of long-term success as a couple, and keep an eye out for her triggers that she reveals (and that I reveal) to keep changes rapid and contained. We must acknowledge when change needs to occur, and further modification to our behavior. My hope is to continually keep my wife in the loop, and through time we have been able to build trends regarding stress and her feelings toward me wearing. An interesting point is that when she is working and stressed my own stress in other areas of our life increases as well where I want to wear. My wearing coupled with her own stress and exhaustion amplified her emotions which led to feelings and conversations that may not truly reflect how either of us felt. It has made it powerful to see that connection, but hard to find a “norm” or baseline to track a normal day in diapers. (Yes, I think that is a bit funny to say a “normal day in diapers.”)
These rapid changes and check-ins have helped us gauge progression or regression in our relationship. My wife has a hard time talking about diapers at all, so the thought of more diaper conversations is harder for her but she has found that small check-ins have helped her level her feelings and not feeling surprised by my wearing.