A series of unfortunate events

A lot of introspection has happened in the last week.  I decided I would try and remove diapers, and the things that made me think of them.  I want to NOT WANT THEM, and again I feel weak and like a failure because I cannot remove them from my life.  My intentions of making things better only hurt me more, and my wife could feel it.  I think she is working to understand they are part of who I am, and me being without them has only made things worse (at least in the short-term).  She is reconciling her feelings to know they are part of me, and trying to accept that.

During this part of our journey together I have focused so much on being all the problems.  When my wife is feeling off, it MUST be because I am wearing a diaper or want to wear a diaper, or because there are diapers around.  I have made everything wrong about me, which was not healthy for me.  It also made my wife feel like she was not able to have an problems, or have a bad day.  In my effort to remove myself from being the problem about everything she was not able to have external factors bother her.  In my defense her acceptance of me has been up and down so I don’t know whether I am the problem, or if I am and she is just not telling me.

I don’t want her to tell me I can wear, and then feel trapped when I do.  Presently I am home a lot, and that’s where I’m wearing.  She worries about me wearing in public (another topic of discussion), so I wear mostly at home.  The only place to wear is where I would feel like I’m trapping her or causing discomfort.  These points did not lead to a very good environment for feelings and growth.  I wanted to care for her, but was probably pushing her away.  This made me want to wear less, which hurt, which caused other pain.

On top of this I often try to empathize with people to relate to them in their pain.  I learned that when I do this it can come across as highjacking, again making it seem like everything is about me and she can not have problems.  While I was trying to bring us closer by empathizing with her I was actually driving her farther apart.

We don’t talk often about diapers because she doesn’t want to.  She still struggles with them, and made a number of comments that really hurt me.  I think this is how she feels, and was worn down from hiding some of her emotion.  This hurt me even more to see her in pain because of something I do.  In the end it is something I choose to do, but it seems so rooted in who I am that I struggle with how to say it.  I can choose to not do it, but what version of myself am I when I make that choice?

Through a two week period I worked to not think about diapers, not want them, and it wore on me emotionally.  She saw it, and I felt it.  I feel I put us back in that same position of her not having a choice.  I was going to wear them either way, and that hurt a lot.  I wasn’t allowing myself that space, and even removed myself from any of my ABDL accounts and blog.  

I missed my friends, and being able to talk with them.  Some of the few people that could likely relate to how I was feeling.  It was a hard two weeks, and while she was telling me it was okay to wear and wear around her I was still pushing myself away.  Part of me hurt thinking I had to have her permission to wear.  I had to have her allowance to feel comfort and peace in this way.  These emotional roller coasters were not pleasant, and I took a lot of it out on my kitchen.  That is who I was before diapers and running.  I ate a lot of my problems, and I do not want to go back to that person.

We have since talked about it and our current course of action is small check-ins and conversations.  I will let her know when I am wearing so she doesn’t have surprises, and hopefully we will have smaller chunks of conversations that will keep mole hills from becoming mountains.  It still pains me to talk with her about ABDL-related topics.  Even when I want to share moments from the people I meet from this blog and our Discord group I hesitate because I don’t know how uncomfortable I’m going to make her feel.  I want her insight as others ask me for direction and how things have worked out in my life, but the last thing I want to do is make my own situation worse while trying to improve someone else’s.

Sitting here, recounting my emotions, doesn’t feel good.  I’m wearing a diaper right now while composing these thoughts, and it brings some guilt/pain/shame with it now.  I feel flushed with so many different emotions, and don’t know what is right to feel.  I do not want to damage my relationship with my wife because of diapers.  I want them to be able to help me and not hurt her at the same time.  I hope this is possible.  It is the focus of my personal journaling and spiritual study. When I focus on myself spiritually, this is where I have gone in the past months.  I pray to know how to help myself while not hurting my wife and family.  

More personal introspection and thoughts of my actions makes me worry that I’m still hurting her and she may not be voicing it.  Wearing is a worry now, and that hurts.  I hope things can improve.  To me, improving is being able to wear and have it not hurt.  Perfection would be not needing to wear, but I’m so tired of fighting something that has been tied to me for as long as I can remember.  I want it to help, not destroy me.

One day at a time, and if I will let myself, one diaper at a time.

Photo by Tom Fisk from Pexels

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