In my own life I have what I call my “big 3.” They are even referenced in the header of my blog. Having a desire to wear diapers as a teenager and adult is one of my big three. It is something that is part of who I am for as long as I can remember. I have not known life without wanting to wear a diaper.
While in church today I was writing about my week, and the worries and stresses that I’ve been experiencing lately. What was scribbled down into my journal felt very similar. I have found myself in leadership positions my entire life, and I enjoy the opportunity to be part of leading change with a group, no matter how big or small. I also have constantly pushed myself with new responsibilities and tasks in my life. The quote “idle hands are the devil’s workshop” resonates with me because I do not know what I would do if spare time presents itself. It leans toward toxic as it can be hard on my family at times when I cannot rest or relax. Vacations are also interesting for this same reason. I’m always in the middle of too many projects, and it is seldom that a laptop, notebook, or mobile device isn’t in my hands.
These ambitions and ways of thinking that I’ve always had that have been under attack or not nurtured recently, and it has added additional stresses to my life. In certain aspects of my professional life I feel like I have leveled out. This is almost completely a decision I made in regards to where we live. I have advanced about as far as I can in my current career path without making some kind of change. I have tried to create new opportunities within my current role, but am limited in what I’ve been able to do.
It has also felt like things I would excel at have been given to other people. These projects are efforts directly in my wheelhouse, and it confuses me why I am not being asked to be involved.
I feel similarly at times regarding efforts and callings within the church. Let me make one thing VERY, VERY clear. I am not aspiring for leadership roles or the calling of Bishop. I do feel that I Have certain talents and abilities where I can serve people in different ways, and feel that they go untapped at times. I struggle to keep these feelings appropriate in relation to membership within the church, but as a mortal I fall short more than I’d like to admit.
These kinds of things, and the associated stresses, brought me to draw the following image in my journal.
My big three make me feel at times how these recent professional experiences have as well, but in a different way. I feel that my big three are rooted inside of me. They are part of who I am. I didn’t ask for these aspects of my life, and I must choose how to respond instead of loathe the situation. I can’t choose to be a different tree, but I can choose how I will maintain and care for myself and my big three.
This year especially has been one of lemons. We must choose what we do with those lemons. I can tell you that once I was able to vocalize my affinity for diapers to my wife that so many things changed in my life. Through her support and desire to understand something that was very outside her comfort zone, the support of the ABDL community and the amazing individuals who share this desire, and the outlet this blog has given me I have been able to more outwardly explore myself while striving to keep balance and within the bounds the Gospel establishes.
I must constantly strive to choose. The small, everyday choices build up to the large decisions and lifestyle that I find myself in. My hope is that I will “choose the right” more than I choose what is easy or lazy. Each of us has temptations, addictions, and tendencies that are rooted within us. We can choose, each day, to be our best selves.