Balancing Bread Winner and Baby Powder

Adult Baby, an oxymoron if there ever was one.  It is probably the biggest struggle I have now in my life in diapers.  Allowing myself to wear them, and allowing myself to be/feel “little.”  We lead a very busy life, and there isn’t a ton of free/spare time.  I often incorporate my wearing with other things which can help with stress and overwhelming feelings that I can’t keep my head above water.  Telecommuting has changed or removed many of the times when I would wear and allow that space.  

Most of today I have been fighting needing or wanting to wear. This comes in waves, and I feel it is associated with everything else that is going on in my life.  Over the last few months I have gained my “COVID-19 pounds” and have been working to get rid of them.  I have been struggling to get myself back into the zone of working out and eating right.  When I feel like this I also am less included to diaper up because I feel even less attractive padded up.  

These feelings are added to the shame that I put on myself for needing diapers in the first place.  I am supposed to be the Bread Winner in my family, not the baby.  There is such a dichotomy there, and I don’t balance it well most of the time.

There are times when I feel empowered and great while doing very big things while wearing a diaper, and then there are times like today where I am shamed to want to put one on.   This compounds with the fact that I do not want to pile on all of these experiences, emotions, and struggles with my wife.  I appreciate her strength and role in our journey together, but don’t want to add unneeded stress on the situation.

I am still working on flattening out my emotional waves regarding diapers, and I feel today that I am on the bottom of the curve.  I feel like I am being pounded by the waves of uncertainty in my own mind.  

Sitting here one a park picnic table while my children play in the distance I think about how I don’t want to let them down.  I want them to be the parent, the foundation, that they need so they can succeed.  This world gets more and more hectic, and I want them to have a home with loving parents that shields them from the craziness of the world.  While I normally feel that diapers helps me provide that space, today I do not.  

Tomorrow will be better, but I have to put in the effort.  I have to find the ambition to lace up and work out.  I have to be willing to make the small changes that build my own foundation for success.  Those little wins add up, and help me be a better person (similar to how diapers help build me up when I leverage them in that way in my life).

Take things a day at a time Littles.  We unfortunately will not be the champion everyday.

Hang in there..

Photo by Mariana Kurnyk from Pexels

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