Adult Baby, an oxymoron if there ever was one. It is probably the biggest struggle I have now in my life in diapers. Allowing myself to wear them, and allowing myself to be/feel “little.” We lead a very busy life, and there isn’t a ton of free/spare time. I often incorporate my wearing with other things which can help with stress and overwhelming feelings that I can’t keep my head above water. Telecommuting has changed or removed many of the times when I would wear and allow that space.
Most of today I have been fighting needing or wanting to wear. This comes in waves, and I feel it is associated with everything else that is going on in my life. Over the last few months I have gained my “COVID-19 pounds” and have been working to get rid of them. I have been struggling to get myself back into the zone of working out and eating right. When I feel like this I also am less included to diaper up because I feel even less attractive padded up.
These feelings are added to the shame that I put on myself for needing diapers in the first place. I am supposed to be the Bread Winner in my family, not the baby. There is such a dichotomy there, and I don’t balance it well most of the time.
There are times when I feel empowered and great while doing very big things while wearing a diaper, and then there are times like today where I am shamed to want to put one on. This compounds with the fact that I do not want to pile on all of these experiences, emotions, and struggles with my wife. I appreciate her strength and role in our journey together, but don’t want to add unneeded stress on the situation.
I am still working on flattening out my emotional waves regarding diapers, and I feel today that I am on the bottom of the curve. I feel like I am being pounded by the waves of uncertainty in my own mind.
Sitting here one a park picnic table while my children play in the distance I think about how I don’t want to let them down. I want them to be the parent, the foundation, that they need so they can succeed. This world gets more and more hectic, and I want them to have a home with loving parents that shields them from the craziness of the world. While I normally feel that diapers helps me provide that space, today I do not.
Tomorrow will be better, but I have to put in the effort. I have to find the ambition to lace up and work out. I have to be willing to make the small changes that build my own foundation for success. Those little wins add up, and help me be a better person (similar to how diapers help build me up when I leverage them in that way in my life).
Take things a day at a time Littles. We unfortunately will not be the champion everyday.