Growing up with diapers I internally struggled to understand myself. Decades later I understand how ineffective this is, and how I should have sought to talk with someone. I did make one, feeble, attempt at reaching out to my mother but I don’t know how it would have gone. The last thing a parent wants to hear is that you don’t know why you are experiencing something. It is the last thing that I wanted to hear. I have never known any different, and I feel the same way about it.
Countless times I have glanced at myself in the mirror with a diaper on, and began shaming myself. So much sadness that came from not being able to grasp why I wanted to put myself into a diaper. I would purge everything out of my life and try, with varying success, to run away from my affinity to diapers and other things “little.” The binge/purge cycle is vicious, and mentally draining. I would find myself fighting to be back into a diaper, and more shame and loathing would enter. Eventually I would pad up, and then even more shame would occur. That shame was after the moments of bliss and comfort that we feel as littles. I hated that I felt this way. Why do diapers make me feel at peace, comfortable, or calm? I would beat up on my aberrant self because “it isn’t okay to be different, at least not THIS different!”
I did not intend this post to begin delving into my past or a search for the origins of my diaper wearing. I actually have some notes on that topic for thoughts I’m trying to make more cohesive into a post about where diapers came from in my life. Stay tuned for another post about my origins later one. I wanted this post to make a much more happy and positive turn because over the last year I have found ways through some of the shame and self-loathing. I am working to accept and embrace myself. I’m learning that my imperfect self is good enough, and while I’m not 100% of the way there I know that I am making progress. My personal journey may never be complete, but milestones and achievements will occur. The same premise exists in my relationship with my wife.
In the last months my wife and I have changed our approach to diapers, and how we talk about them. It seems like the less they are actually talked about the better things have been. I believe this is largely due to my wife needing to continue to work through things herself, and continue to reconcile her feelings against me wearing a diaper. I have done my best to oblige, and not bring them up (I think I’ve actually worn less as well in an attempt to make them less visible completely).
The small things continue to be the biggest wins for us. During a moment of time where the kids were somehow otherwise distracted we had a moment to ourselves. Diapers have been known to kill the mood, or cause awkwardness. In this particular moment I was in our room laying down, diapered, when she came in to talk with me. We began being intimate when she realized that I was wearing a diaper. She did a great job in not making me feel “less” or awkward, but did reach a point where she asked me to take it off. While doing so, we were talking, and was not in the biggest hurry. She made a small comment or joke, and then actually finished taking it off of me after I had removed the tapes.
She was very proud of her action, and made the comment later that day, “see, I interacted with it!” While it was a small act in reality, it was a huge thing for us. I appreciate her bravery, and the moment of stepping outside her comfort zone to make me feel comfort and loved.
Keep up the small things in your relationships. Building a strong foundation of love and understanding will only strengthen your abilities to share diapers with your spouse. When other things are in their place, it allows a space of awkward and uncomfortable growth. In other words, you are able to withdraw from the bank of trust that you have been collectively depositing into. Make sure to keep making those deposits because you never know when an unexpected debit from that account will be needed.