Are diapers a hindrance or helper in my overall mental and physical well-being?
I have had a lot going on in the last 8-10 months. Stresses from every portion of my life have presented themselves, which makes it hard to have a pillar to stand on and also know which thing to attack first. Typically when one thing falls out of line I can recognize it, and begin to reconcile it. The problem is that so many things all came down at the same time that I wasn’t sure where to turn.
I found that I returned to an old habit that hadn’t reared its ugly head for many years. I began to eat my problems. This came on the heels of not being able to work out like I normally had been, so guess what that did to my self-esteem? I saw the weight gain and the inability to get it back off cause a double negative effect on me. The stress and failure compounded into more stress and perception of failure. Perhaps this is why I turned to diapers as a coping mechanism. The have always had their place somewhere off in the periphery, but during this time they began to be a more active part of my thought process. Not overwhelming and all the time, but a higher frequency than in the past.
During this same timeframe, my wife and I began having the diaper conversations that are chronicled in my blog. This was probably not the best time to introduce them into our relationship, because there were so many other things happening in life, but I also recognize the role the diapers have played in minimizing migraines and assisting me in the harder times of the past year.
During these times I look back at myself wearing diapers and wonder if I am further hindering myself by padding up. Am I just enabling behavior or running from my problems. In the past five years I have leveraged running to help me cope with stress and problems. It is not running FROM my problems, but using the activity to dial things back in. Similar to what diapers do in a different way. Running encouraged me to be active and moving, but diapers bring a calm and very different feeling where I want to disengage and take a moment from the stresses of the day. At least that is where I felt I was a few months ago.
When I want/need (still working on what that line actually is) to wear, and there are things to do, I will wear them and get along with my day. This has been a bit uncomfortable for my wife, but on the whole she has been supportive. There are more times that she doesn’t even know that I am wearing one. I have tried to not have them be a limiter, but enable me to get on with the things that need to be done.
Honestly, I’m still on the fence to the role that diapers play in my life. I think I know, but it still itches in the back of my mind. I have accepted so much more about myself in the last year regarding my little side and diapers, but part of my resists what I feel is dependence. I know they help me, I can feel that immediately when wearing one.
While in the Heart to Heart classes I have tried to decide how much help and how much hindrance they are. I don’t want them to have a hold on me that feels too much like an addiction where dependence occurs. I think that is why I decided to participate in the class in the first place. Help me dig deeper in the relationship I have with them, and my little side.
Thus far my mindset is they are supportive, as long as I keep them that way. They can be a tool in my toolbox, but I don’t want them to overwhelm my life. Partly, because I know that my wife is not in a place for that. I don’t want it either. I like the role they play for me.