Everyone has a mechanism with how they deal with fear. For each and everyone of us it is something different. In a time where we are social distanced and coping with with a myriad of stresses we must:
1 – know what our mechanisms are
2 – acknowledge to firstly ourselves, and if needed others, if this mechanism is healthy
3 – utilize that coping mechanism to help us live a more happy and balanced life
For many of the people reading this particular blog, that mechanism involves diapers. For some reason, one which most of us do not know the origin, we have reached for crinkly underpants to help curb something in our lives. For some it is a comfort or coping mechanism, and for some there is a strong sexual driver. Most ABDLs find themselves somewhere in the middle of that spectrum.
Late last night I took a very hard emotional kick in the gut. Honestly I don’t even know why or where it came from. The shame of who I am and what I am hit me like a hammer. At the top of that shame sat the desire to wear a diaper to help myself cope with what I was feeling. I pushed that aside because a part of me doesn’t want to allow that weakness into my life. The weakness of relying on an inanimate object to help me overcome something that I should be able to take care of myself (These are all my personal struggles, and by no means something I am trying to push anyone else on. These are my inner-fights, hopefully not yours because I sure don’t enjoy them.)
I didn’t pad up when I went to bed, also because I worry about the reaction a crinkle could cause with my wife. I know she still struggles and works with what I am.
This morning I did though, and I was ever conscious of myself. I even think my wife looked me over the moment I came into the living room as well, probably because she could hear it. This also hurts, not that she’s evaluating me but that I don’t want her to despise me or have negative thoughts about what I’m doing. That mental battle rages on.
My self-loathing continued to push down, and the morning had little reprieve because of the inability to have a bit of time for myself. Conference calls and my children’s needs kept me busy which also kept me from thinking too much about myself. The shame grew to the point that I went and took the diaper off.
I really don’t know why I am in this place or what is pushing me here. I’ve been wearing, and it has really been helping me deal with some of my daily stress with all the changes going on right now. Why was the last 24 hours different. Why so much self-hate?
I didn’t know the answer, and I’ve found so much power in writing that I opened my document and began typing this post. A few minutes in I had to attend a conference call, and the subject was around the information you see at the beginning of the post. What am I doing to cope? What am I using to cope? Diapers are one of my mechanisms. How do I use that tool, and why was today so differently? A point brought out during my meeting was to check in on those around us. Not everyone has diapers as a mechanism, and our mechanisms don’t always work. This post, this written therapy for me, is a version of checking in. To those reading, I hope you are well. I hope you are finding who you are as a little, as a diaper lover, as a husband/wife, as a person. We are so many things, and diapers are one small part of that.
When things turn so bad for me I find one of the best forms of therapy for me is service. Finding another in need and helping. Perhaps that is why I turned to my keyboard this morning. It was one of the only things I could do at that moment. I hope this post helps someone. I do not ever wish to share what I’m feeling in an attempt for someone to feel sorry for me. I share because I hope through vulnerability you can find solace in knowing you are not the only one feeling this way. Should you find yourself in the moment I was in this morning, know that others have felt those things, have doubted those things. This is not a fun burden to bear, and so many of us have never known any different. One of my first memories in my life is about diapers. We are a great community, and if you need someone or some people please reach out.