A new depth of feeling

I believe it is safe to say that I’m hard-headed at times.  I know my wife would tell you that, but like most things I have a hard time seeing something right in front of my own face.  

This past week has taught me a new level of emotion, as well as the realization that I sometimes completely miss the boat on things, even when I think I’m well in control/at the helm. (I’m not even going to try nautical metaphors, not my cup of tea)

My wife and I recently had a conversation that has gone similar to other conversations that we’ve been having.  This cycle needs to break, and something else that I need to study out and work on. One of the reasons is likely that we both are hesitant to change regarding what we are talking about.

We run along similar paths, almost like we have dug ruts in the road,, and I believe it partially because my wife is at an impasse.  She either doesn’t know what to do or how to do it, so we end up at the same place with her expressing the same frustrations and emotions.  I have been able to leverage this blog, my friends in the ABDL community, and other resources to continue to discover myself and work out who I am in diapers.  She has not had that outlet.

During a recent conversation she did ask for me to help find her someone to talk with.  A spouse of a fellow little that would be able to talk with her in a way she didn’t feel like she was being judged.  I feel this is a huge step as she asked for the help. I find and feel that I am the primary drive in the conversations we have, and I have to find a way to change that up where she can guide and control conversation.  I need to be there for her in a more intimate and personal way where she absolutely feels that I am there for her, to help her, to hold her, to love her.

This last time we spoke, I really feel like I gained insight into her emotional state and some of what she was experiencing.  My hope and goal is to harness that understanding to be a better husband and father to her. One of my biggest struggles will be patience, and letting things take time.  I want to fix everything now, so having something in my life that is going to take much longer to work on is difficult for me. I’m no stranger to long-term planning, but when I can fix something in the short-term it becomes my focus.  

I think I took that approach with diapers.  I mistook it as a quick thing, and am now readjusting to better serve my wife with long-term, steady support.  I am learning so much, and so fast, but I need to be more cognizant of her and her concerns and needs. I hope that I was able to recognize it early enough, but like I said I am hard-headed at times (ok, a lot).  She is absolutely my best friend, and the last thing you want to do is hurt your best friend.  

The new depth of feeling is that I now understand better the pain I have placed on her shoulders.  I have to balance what I take to her and when. I will remain completely honest with her, and I have no desire to hide anything from her (I told her I like to wear diapers after all….), but I am learning that I must pace myself in what we discuss, as well as how often.  My depth of feeling has also grown in love for my wife. She continues to stand by me, even when I might be wearing a diaper. Again, she is a truly amazing woman and daughter of God. I need to make sure she knows that more often. I need to show her how much she means to me.

This is what life is truly about.  I have been able to recognize and embrace pain in a different way this last week.  That empowers me to understand and experience joy and happiness in a new way as I work to reconcile the pain.  We can’t know one without the other.

Victory becomes that much sweeter

Photo by Jeremy Bishop from Pexels

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