It is a struggle every day, every day, every day

This morning I began the day feeling off.  I had the prompting to open my laptop and write something.  I didn’t know what I would write, but felt that being able to type out what I was feeling would help me get my day started off better.  I had previously put a few notes down about the topic of addiction, but didn’t feel like I knew what I wanted to say about it at the time.  I have felt the Spirit guiding me as I’ve been typing. I know that many of the times I create these posts it is for my own benefit. My hope is that it can and will also touch you as you read.  Here is to helping myself, and hopefully you as well in our journey together in diapers.

I have searched internally over the years, coupled with gospel principles, to find reconciliation between myself and diapers.  In the early years, while stumbling around in the dark, I found myself shamed by an attraction to something as diapers. That is the initial pull for so many of us;  an early memory relating to wanting to wear a diaper.  We don’t know why, but we are drawn to them.  To the feel of them and/or the way they make us feel.  They take us to a place where we feel comforted and at peace.

While we get older and enter the craziness that is puberty and our teenage years we are drawn or pulled different ways with diapers.  Many sexualize them as we discover ourselves in that way, and others begin to discover other transformational objects that assist in regression, or the feelings that we are ultimately hoping to replicate.  Again, in these moments of self-discovery I found myself alone and shamed by my own thoughts and emotions. There was surely something wrong with me, but there was no way ANYONE would be able to relate or understand what I was experiencing.  Diaper Lovers feel alone so much of the time during their teen years. Recent advent of the Internet, message boards, forums, and now blogs and social media has closed the gap for many of us.

At some point we have discovered that we are not the only one that feels this way.  We discover a very wide spectrum of Adult Babies and Diaper Lovers, and must then continue to discover who we are and where we place ourselves on that spectrum.  On one end is the strict Diaper Lover, and the other end is the Teen Baby or Adult Baby. After a few decades of this journey I feel that I am still finding my place in the spectrum as I’ve recently found my little side wanting to explain itself and its place in my life.  If you asked me to identify myself on the spectrum I would say that I am a Diaper Lover with Adult Baby tendencies. Self-discovery continues as I find out that brings comfort and balance to me.

The question that I now find myself asking is “How can I keep diapers from becoming addiction, similar to other vices that I, and other people experience?”  Or are they the same, and I am trying to deceive myself? That is why, I believe, I placed such an emphasis on making decisions for my family ahead of any diaper related decision. If and when I find myself choosing diapers over healthy activity, or my family, I must allow myself to understand that I have a problem that needs correcting.

I’ve discussed this with others, and there has been a vein of commonality where at some point in our discovery of diapers we have choose not to be social or avoid another commitment in order to be alone and diapered.  This is a choice we make as we figure out what diapers mean to us. The struggle and real battle begins after that experience. The crossroads where we must then choose the hold that we will allow diapers to have on us.

Each of us are on a different part of these paths, and with little exception this is always time to course correct.  The word addiction to me is such a strong word. It is something we resist associating with ourselves. We never want to admit that we have a problem, but the sooner that we can realize the hold that something has on us and allow the love of the Savior to guide us back to the Covenant Path the sooner we will be able to find balance and happiness.  There are so many resources available to us as we discover there are things in our lives that need correction.  

  • Ourselves – Put yourself in a place where you can really search, ponder, and pray.  Remove distractions. Whether that is quiet time at home (for those of us with children, good luck with that! 🙂 ) or a walk or hike where you can connect with nature and yourself.  Provide an environment where you can invite the Spirit to guide you.
  • Friends and Family – There is an old adage saying “Friends are the best therapy.”  Leveraging those relationships can help bring us back when we need help.  Ourselves and our friends are best utilized early on when we first feel that something is amiss.  When we recognize we are straying farther down the wrong path we have other resources available. (If you need a friend, if you just need to talk, please reach out. We all need a friend that can relate to us.)
  • Bishop – The love and care your Bishop is ready to extend to you is a phone call away.  So often we resist, for similar reasons that we don’t want to admit we have a problem.  Know that your leaders love you and often understand more than you know how you are feeling and what you are experiencing.  (Not a member of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints?  Ask a friend who is, and they can help get you pointed in the right direction)
  • Therapist or Counselor – There are many professional services out there that can help you work through your struggles.  Your bishop will have a network of these resources available to discuss with you.
  • Addiction Recovery Programs – These programs create another “family” or community that can help you in your time of need.  Know that you are NEVER alone in your struggles.

I have learned that diapers can help me in a positive way, but I have to be very aware to keep all things in balance.  There is a power in moderating and limiting myself.  In my discussions with other ABDLs I have found that everyone handles themselves differently.  Some hold very strict schedules for wearing. Others have specific times when they allow themselves to wear.  Whatever you have found works for you, awesome! Each of us is different, and will handle the urge to wear differently.  You must be able to be honest with yourself, and then with our spouse. My life in diapers drastically changed when I made the decision to be 100% honest with my wife.  She has promised to be the same with me.  It is hard at times, and I struggle hearing it, but I work hard to see the value in her words.

The last time she was brutally honest with me, it hurt me.  I typically struggle and internalize my feelings, but for some reason I was able to see the value in what she had told me, and the bravery it took to be completely honest and upfront with me.  I thanked her for sharing that with me. I’m sure it was as hard for her to share as it was for me to hear it. The power to long-term happiness lies with us both being on the same page, and being able to communicate with each other even when it is uncomfortable to do so.  I say it often, but probably not enough how amazing my wife is. She has taken me, diapers and all, and loves me. She loves me when I don’t love myself. It is that power, that bond we have, that will continue to empower us to have these hard conversations with positive and meaningful outcomes for myself, our relationship, and our family.

We aren’t meant to be alone, that includes while amidst our struggles.  You are never alone, even in diapers.  

Photo by Craig Adderley from Pexels

2 thoughts on “It is a struggle every day, every day, every day

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in: Logo

You are commenting using your account. Log Out /  Change )

Google photo

You are commenting using your Google account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s