I went into this Principle’s meeting a little different than any other. Right before the meeting started I was emotionally jolted, and it took longer for me to recover than I would have wanted. I’m sure it affected how I took in the discussion, and so I found myself much more quiet than normal. Perhaps it was for the best because another member of the class had a big breakthrough, and she was able to say things that she had never vocalized before. It also taught me to listen more, and I internalized and typed my thoughts instead of trying to share each and every one of my insights.
When I first read that I needed to inventory myself I shunned away from it, but reading it again in the beginning of the chapter makes me feel like I need to in order to understand and fulfil what the class is trying to teach me. Part of me shys away from it because we don’t want to go down that rabbit hole, and have to admit things about ourselves. I feel like I know what I want to be working on right now, but perhaps doing an inventory would help me gain further insight into myself.
Present our heart to him, naked and broken, in absolute honesty.
We have to give our whole heart, no half measures or that is how we will receive our blessings. We receive blessings at the level in which we are searching for them. Naked and broken signifies that we are vulnerable, or willing to be. Naked, showing no sign of hiding who we are. Broken, being the feeling of submission.
I feel like in the last few months I have shown myself naked and broken to my wife. I have given her my complete self regarding diapers, and have allowed her to really evaluate me. (It was a very scary exercise, and not 100% what I had hoped for, or envisioned, but we are on the journey together and I still feel we are headed in the right direction. Even this morning we had a quick talk, and she gave me some really good feedback.
There have been a number of occurrences where I have felt completely exposed and open to her. Some experiences were physical and very literal where I stood in front of her diapered for her criticism and evaluation. Others were much more mental or psychological where I gave her insight into my heart, and allowed her to choose how she would react to the information. In those moments I stood up against my self-shame and allowed her to judge. I very literally felt like I looked like a fool in front of her. I still feel those feelings, even this morning again, but she is helping me understand how to communicate, and how much to communicate to her.
Being a “fool”
2 Nephi 9:42 – At what point can we set all of our learning, all of our experience, and all of our worldly knowledge aside and trust in the Lord? When are we willing to be “fools” before Him? I know in the moments I described above that I felt like a fool in front of my wife. Even in a conversation with her last night I felt like a fool. Why would I put us through something like this? Why would I ever verbalize this and bring it to our relationship. I know why I did, and I know the reasoning behind the answers to the questions that I posed, but it doesn’t make me question it any less. In those moments of weakness I turn inwards, and question so many things about myself. Even now, even after so much acceptance and personal growth, I still question myself very deeply.
How have I done similar things with the Savior?
Most times in life we numb out or suppress our feelings, good and bad. Other times we become hyper-sensitive and we over-feel and over-react to things.
- Over-feel – Am I doing this when I over-evaluate and try and dig deeper into situations where I am beating myself up. Right now with work I have had a hard time communicating with my boss. The lack of communication has caused me to turn inward to find out what I’m doing wrong. I cannot figure out what I’ve done to create this situation.
- Over-react – This comes and goes, and I haven’t been able to nail down when I act this way, but last night I overreacted to my son and I feel really bad for it. I make mountains out of mole hills with my kids, and I need to be better, and more level-headed with things.
“Don’t sweat the small stuff, you already chose the big stuff a long time ago.”
“Weaknesses are weaknesses only until they are turned into strengths.”
Am I able to look at diapers in this way? They were a plague to me for so many years, but can I form them into something that helps me balance and grow? Are they able to serve me in a way where they don’t control me? I feel this year has been that pivoting point for me. They no longer control me, but they aid me. The emphasis on them has changed now to how they fit/incorporate into my life with my wife.
Zach Williams – To The Table
During the class this song was brought up tying in the lesson. We must put everything on the table for the Savior. This is part of the inventory as well. We have to admit everything to ourselves first so we know what needs to be put on the table in the first place.
Do we look for the growth opportunities in our trails. They can be a good things, if I let it. Am I willing to learn the lesson? Especially if we go to the same place, commit the same sin, over and over and over. At what point am I willing to get off the Merry-go-Round and make the change?
When does the stink of our sin begin to bother us? At what point will we stop stuffing it in the corner? The stink, the awkwardness should be the catalyst for change.
This come from within first. We can have all sorts of external motivators, but ultimately this is an internal battle that we must win. Each and every one of us must make the conscious choice to admit we need to change, and then begin the painful process involved in that growth.