Inconsistently consistent

..I wanted to go back before it posted and call it Consistently inconsistent, which I feel better captures the play on words I was going for, but here we are… I’m not going to change the links at this point. 🙂

Death and taxes, everything else is up for grabs..

In the last few months I have experienced some of the highest highs and those moments have been complemented by the complete opposite.  Working through myself and diapers has been one of the most mentally and emotionally straining experiences. The past few days have been no exception.

The comforting feeling of discover that came through learning what a onesie with mittens could do to a recent conversation with my wife has ran the spectrum of emotions throughout my body.  While alone on a long drive today I ran through many, many things in my mind, and I began to think of how to share this.  My first thought was to not share it. It hurt, and I think we all run from the opportunity to expose our hardships and vulnerabilities, but the longer I thought about I realized that I needed to.  It also took a phone call with another ABDL to help me get the courage to get to the keyboard.

I went back and read the post where I explained my first impression on the space that mittens put me in, and this paragraph stood out.

“I shared this to a small extent to my wife last night.  I still struggle with wanting to talk about things like this with her, because I don’t want her to feel uncomfortable.  Especially when I am in such an amazing space, I don’t want her to be on the opposite end of the spectrum. Those conversations will continue slowly over time.”

Something as simple as mittens, a surprise

The reason it stands out is because my biggest worries were completed validated during the conversation with my wife.  I believe part of the reasoning for the emotions my wife is having is the length of time that we have been working with it.  We have only been on this journey together for less than a year, and I can only imagine the place that my wife is in.

All of that being said we had a very emotional conversation that neither of us have the answer to.  I feel like I am doing all of this to her because I am the one with the urge for diapers. I brought this struggle into our marriage, and yet I see her in pain over trying to reconcile her emotions relating to me and diapers.

I have told her that I would give them up if that is what she wants, but she has heard enough of my story to know that I have been trying my whole life to remove diapers from my life.  She knows that I want diapers, but I don’t want to want diapers, and that I have fought my way through Binge & Purge numerous times.  She is such a strong woman, and I hate myself for the pain I am putting her through.  It is something that I cannot properly convey in text, the pain I can see in her eyes.

She doesn’t want to let me down, and I can see it in the way she speaks with me about it.  I have told her more than once that she is doing so amazing in our journey together, but I believe she feels she is not moving fast enough.  I am likely to blame for those feelings because I want to discuss with her the amazing experiences I am having the more I discover about myself and the associated conversations I am having with my fellow ABDLs that I call my friends.

A thought or recommendation I would give to anyone reading this that is in the infancy of the journey as my wife and I are would be to pace yourself in the conversations you have with your spouse.  Let them lead, and be the most supportive spouse that you can. I know that you will want to share so much with them. Something as awakening to you as mittens, or the further validation that you are not alone through reaching out to some of the amazing community members we have, but slow and steady wins the race.

The hardest part, but perhaps the healthiest part of today is that I had to leave after we were done talking and I haven’t been able to have a conversation with her since.  I worry so bad she continues to beat herself up, and I only have myself to blame. Again, a conversation that I had earlier today gives me hope. The ABDL that I spoke with today shares many commonalities in our journey to disclosing and understanding diapers with our spouses, and while he is not a lot farther down the path than I am, it still gives me hope that our similar experiences have taken us to better places in our marriages.

Littles, hang in there.  To the spouses of littles:

There is a special place in heaven for you, and I only hope that we are worthy to hang on to your coattails along the way.  Your ability to embrace us, diapers and all, is something beyond my comprehension. We spend decades trying to accept ourselves, and you are brave enough to take us in amidst the mountain of other faults we have.  Thank you to you for being the amazing souls that you are.

We couldn’t do it without you!

7 thoughts on “Inconsistently consistent

  1. I can fully relate to this experience. There has been a lot of heartache (mostly on my wife’s side) as she fights so hard to wrap her head around my desires to wear diapers. The fight has been going for 4 years now, and despite the rough patches, I can say that we have both come so far and have grown so much together. In part is from her unceasing love and patience for and with me. And another part is her understanding my need to participate and follow blogs such as yours– to be able to communicate with those who know precisely how it feels to be an ABDL. I am eternally grateful for her.

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  2. Something that may help the both of you is to listen to “dream a little” abdl podcast. I’d say you should listen first and see if the discussion that day is relevant. If so, get her to listen and then you guys discuss at a time comfortable to you both.

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    1. Thanks for the suggestion, but the ABDL spectrum is very vast, and just me laying out the 20+ years of my individual DL thoughts and feelings to my wife can be overwhelming for her, so it’s been best for us to take the slow and steady road.

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