Halloween, one of the few days a year where it is socially acceptable to play dress up. Most recent years I have dressed up in adult onsie PJs because they are warm, and again it is a day where it is more acceptable to wear something like that in public. This year’s plan was the same with one, small difference that I was unaware of until I opened the package to try it on. My costume had mittens or hand covers that could be slipped on or off.
This is something that I had wanted to try after seeing someone else wearing them, but hadn’t found any to buy. So many things that I think might interest me in this space that I file away as a “someday” thing. That someday ended up being now. It is funny to see how giddy I feel around things like this. It is the closest that I can recall to childlike elation or joy. My heart rate increases as I get more excited to get to experience this new thing.
I still don’t have the best understanding of my little side, and so these experiments help me get to know that part of me better. I have anticipated and built up somethings that end up feeling like a let down during and after. Something I thought I would really like ends up being a bust, but again I learn a little bit more about that part of me that has been unexplored and suppressed for the entirety of my life.
Perhaps it was the surprise of it all, but an immediate feeling of small enveloped me. The comfort also comes that I have felt this feeling before, and it is now helping me understand it more and more. Every time I have been able to experience this it tunes me into a but more to this part of myself. The transformational objects and experiences that bring me to a different place, a different space. During this time the world washes over me and I find myself in a temporary escape of peace. The countless other items in my day disappear from my mind for a short time, and I am able to find myself for a few moments.
I shared this to a small extent to my wife last night. I still struggle with wanting to talk about things like this with her, because I don’t want her to feel uncomfortable. Especially when I am in such an amazing space, I don’t want her to be on the opposite end of the spectrum. Those conversations will continue slowly over time.
I am so excited to discover this, and begin to find things I now can help me when I need to leverage them. Diapers calm and center me, and adding things to that ability will help me stay on track and balance out my life.