Finding happiness while in the search for everlasting happiness is something each and everyone of us reach for in this life. We all want to feel happy. We all want to feel worthy of love and happiness. Members of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints, especially male Priesthood holders, strive to keep themselves on the Covenant Path which opens the windows of heaven which allow us to receive the promptings of the Holy Ghost. That companionship of the Holy Spirit of God connects us with heaven, and empowers us to receive personal revelation for ourselves and those whom we have been called to preside over. That calling may only include our family, but that inclusion is most often the revelation we are hoping, praying, and fasting for.
We are taught that the constant companionship of the Holy Ghost comes through adherence to the commandments of God, and keeping the covenants that we enter into with Heavenly Father. The longer we navigate life we are presented with various opportunities to enter into these covenants through ordinances, or acts, where we bind ourselves in a two-way promise with the Lord. We promise to keep our end of the covenant which is typically accompanied with blessings we can receive through our faithfulness to the commandments we have been given.
So many times in life, those of us with an affinity for diapers struggle with feeling worthy of the Savior’s love and blessings. I feel while typing that out how silly that sounds, but I can promise you that the feelings of unworthiness to the promises and blessings are real. So many times in life I have looked down or in the mirror, seen myself in a diaper, and felt immense shame and self-loathing for what I saw. What was I? How could anyone love me, when I could not even love myself. More so, how could the Savior love me?
Because of this, I found myself so many times doubting myself. How could the Lord use me, or why would he even want to? How could it be possible for someone like myself, someone who likes to wear diapers, ever be worthy carry the burden of callings that our Heavenly Father and Jesus Christ need us to bear to help bless the lives of others. Furthermore, how could I even help others when I felt the way I did about myself?
These thoughts, these lies we tell ourselves, are poison. They hurt. A pain so real that made me often want to crawl inside myself, and disassociate myself with others. No one would want to be around me if they knew. How could I EVER be worthy of an eternal companion?
How does this change? How can I go from a teenager, a missionary, and a college student with these feelings to an active member of the Church who is married to his best friend? This path has not been easy, and it continues to present itself in my life. I don’t walk a smoothly paved path now that is void of problems. I cannot tell you that I still don’t look at myself diapered at times and feel less of a man than I should. What have I learned?
The lesson taught in the 18th section of the Doctrine and Covenants bring forward what I had been neglecting. I was not allowing the love and Atonement of the Savior into my life. I had forgotten that I was a son of a loving Heavenly Father, and a brother to a perfect Savior.
I am learning that we are all important, we are all needed to help fulfill the great plan of happiness. I never would have been able to get to this place without my wife. I cannot imagine her strength as I shared with her first five years ago, and more so over the past year about myself. For the first time vocalizing something that I held internally since my first memories in this life. I didn’t realize the power behind saying it outloud until it had happened. This extends to the conversations I continue to have with others like me that I know consider real friends. Even though geography separates us with great distance, I feel their love and genuine care for who I am.
I continue to learn that despite my desire to be little, I am still worthy of the love of my Savior. He still cares for me, and as much as I felt that there couldn’t possibly be anyone like me that He understands what I am feeling. I am truly not alone through his guidance, the love and supporting hand of my wife, and the encouragement of my friends to strive to live the best version of myself. I believe that best version of myself can, and does, include diapers. Diapers, and my little side, help me be the very best version of myself. The balance they can bring me helps me refocus on the most important things in life. We don’t slow down very much in my home, and diapers enable me to refocus and balance myself even when I continue to work. Similarly to pacing yourself while running.
During longer runs you condition yourself to build out a pace where you are actually able to recover while still physically exerting yourself. This allows you to regain endurance and control, so you are able to provide the additional push when the hills of life come. When the path gets rocky, and we need more help it is in the tank, readily available when we call on it.
I have found a power in knowing that I can be worthy to serve, even if I’m wearing a diaper. With that knowledge I know that I cannot just rest. Increasing in holiness is the only path to the everlasting happiness that my wife and I are looking for. Again, that happiness is only possible through the cleansing power of the Atonement of Jesus Christ. With that power I can harness self-worth, I can feel like I am “enough.”