Hello rock, meet hard place

The emotions behind self-discovery and comprehension and the battle to try and share yourself with someone else.  

I am sure that every ABDL at some point has experienced some version of this.  Whether it be within themselves or the desire to have a conversation with someone else we have all struggled with this internal desire to wear diapers or be little.  Starting out in life, this was an internal battle. I would cycle through binge/purge (not always physically, but often emotionally). Even if it was only one diaper or one time that I wanted to be little, it was often followed by shame and guilt surrounding what I was doing.  “Why am I like this?” or “Who was that?”

Many times growing up I would feel that I was someone else, or that I was coming back from being someone else.  In that moment of returned clarity I would wonder who the person was that was making the decisions. I have felt like someone else at times.  I’m not saying anything to the level of multiple personalities or anything in that realm, but I would come to a moment where I was sad at myself and what/who I had been.

I would often try and have internal dialogue and work to understand what I was going through, and the associated feelings.  I never was able to figure things out, and for the first time I am wondering if it because my little side and my adult side were at varying levels of control.  The two, most likely, are not able to discuss at the same time at the same intellectual level. This until recently has been the reality that I lived in.

My first “rock and hard place” scenario where I was unable to properly understand, comprehend, and course correct behaviors.  I was able to suppress, push down, and calm things down for periods of time, but they would always return.  I struggled for more than thirty years in this cycle. The emotional roller coaster taking its toll in different ways throughout my formative years.  I believe this has some relationship to the lack of self-confidence and self-esteem in many teen babies while they grow up. They don’t understand, and often form a hatred or loathing for the inner part of their self that they do not know how to manage.

Perhaps that is why writing has been so therapeutic for me.  I am able to write, and then go back and digest what was written in a way that lets me see another side of myself.  In a way creating two one-sided conversations. In my writing I have been able to look at myself in a more pragmatic fashion.  I am learning how I think I feel about certain things, and then work those things out. I am just beginning to take steps of comprehension on the first things that I wrote about, and this process has been a daily one.  A process that has had emotional ups and downs. The shame and hurt still comes, but in a different way. Wrapped in some understanding that I feel I am able to approach and handle it differently. I am hoping to silo some of these feelings in an effort to keep a balanced life on the whole as I continue to work on myself.

The second “rock and a hard place” is the desire to then reach out and share what you are feeling inside with someone else.  For Teens this is typically a parent, which brings monumental amounts of justified fear to the teenager.  I relate with that fear, and did not share this part of myself at all with my parents except one feigned attempt. That attempts caused me to run for the hills at the first sign of questioning.  I did not feel they could handle the conversation. I hope that my struggles with this will help me to be able to talk with my own littles.  More importantly I hope they will try to talk with me about their own struggles as they look for their own answers. 

Growing up and getting married places ABDLs in a different situation entirely.  The fork in the road places the ABDL to choose whether to tell their significant other, finance, spouse, boy/girlfriend about something they do not understand or choose to push it way, way down in an effort that it will go away or be replaced by something else.  I choose the latter of the two options. Shockingly enough, the desires persisted and I continued to beat myself up. I tried hard to internalize my experience, but I’m sure that some of it came out and I ended up hurting my relationships in some small way. I feel that my wife and I have had an amazing relationship during our marriage, but this continued to play a minor, back seat role in my life.

My decision to tell my wife was somewhat “spur of the moment” and I would advise against that in hindsight.  I do not regret telling my wife, but I piled on diapers to another conversation in an attempt to give my wife anything and everything.  It wasn’t a big issue, as we returned to our lives and there was no immediate emotional fall out. I did have the benefit of vocalizing it for the first time, and began to try different things.  I wore a bit more often, not much more but it was more. I felt I had told her and just releasing the secret had helped me. The real moment of decision, and a more conscious one, was about a month ago when we really talked about it.  She expressed concerns and questions and I began to babble as I was vocalizing so many things for the first time. Nothing can truly prepare you for that moment, but I’m sure there are much better ways to be ready for that conversation than what I did.  My efforts in writing is an attempt to help anyone else be better prepared for either side of this conversation than my wife and I were.

I have increasingly felt the “rock and a hard place” feelings as I continue to work towards inner-comprehension and understanding.  Conversations with my wife will be slow, and I am strapped in for the long haul. This does not make the conversations any less difficult, and the resulting emotions any easier to deal with internally.  The pressure I felt today brought the metaphoric “rock and a hard place” picture into my head, and this post is the result of that stream of consciousness. It hurts, but I hope that it is a refiners fire.  I hope that I will learn and grow, and be able to help my wife understand me a little bit better.

Here’s to progress, one step (or diaper) at a time.

Photo by Oleg Magni from Pexels

5 thoughts on “Hello rock, meet hard place

  1. Hi there,
    I usually just lurk on blogs like this, but our stories and experiences are so similar I had to comment. I really appreciate everything you have said in this blog. Being LDS and in to diapers has been one of the hardest things to work out in my life and it gets no easier when you bring your spouse into it either. My wife tried for a short time to understand and then we went through a long period of time where it was treated like an addiction and I had to hide things because ultimatums were made and diapers were seen as evil or a replacement for my wife. I finally in the last few years realized that this isn’t an addiction it is just who I am and I have been slowly coming to terms with that. Like you, writing has helped a lot and I spent many hours typing my thoughts and insights into this bizarre thing being ABDL is. My wife found my writings and began to soften her heart until she discovered some of my ABDL diapers and the prints on them freaked her out. She went to the bishop and told him and when he met with me said that as long as it wasn’t sexual that diapers wouldn’t keep me from being worthy in the church. I think my wife was stunned at this but still decided she couldn’t handle diapers in our house. It’s been almost 8 months since either of us have brought it up and there are so many things I want to say to her but worry what her response will be. We are super busy people who work long hours and try to give as much time to our 4 kids as possible and to have talks about diapers can be so exhausting so it just never gets mentioned. I understand her worries and where she is coming from as I’ve never had anyone to talk to about ABDL so I’ve made lots of mistakes. But at the same time I wish she could see I just can’t turn this off and if we could work together to manage diapers in our life she might see it wouldn’t be that bad. Anyway, I’m rambling but I appreciate your thoughts they are helpful and insightful. Keep up the good work!

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    1. I appreciate you sharing some of your experience with me. It is a very volatile topic, and it sounds like you have had a rough go with it.

      It has been so hard to figure out for myself who I am, and I by no means have it all sorted out. My wife worries that I am learning and growing so much that I will “leave her behind” but I am working hard to slowly incorporate my growth with her. It has slowed the pace WAY down, but I am in it for the long haul. Hang in the Brother.

      If you would like to talk more I would be more than happy to discuss things with you. I have found a power in being able to vocalize and share what has been in my head for so, so long!

      Twitter or email is probably the best place to start. Please reach out, I would love to talk.

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  2. Random, ignore this if you want 🙂 I found reading up on transactional analysis, the basis and system of it (it’s a kind of therapy, I think) helpful in understanding the child/adult/parent relationship we each live and act with (it’s just based on the ideas that we all live with all parts and act from different parts at different times).
    Love, light and glitter

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    1. I think that makes sense. We leverage different parts of ourselves to fill different roles. I believe my little comes out to help me when it is needed. We all have to adult, and that role takes it’s prominent place at that point. It becomes balancing between the roles, and not letting one take over and control our lives.

      Liked by 1 person

      1. Yup, exactly. And knowing when it is or isn’t healthy so being able to act from whichever part we need to when we need to.
        Love, light and glitter

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