Undoubtedly at some point in your journey in the life of a little or ABDL you have felt alone. You have felt shame. You have felt uncertainty. Each of these feelings come as we wander around in the dare trying to understand what we are experiencing. Each of us have our own story, but so many of us have similar origins. Things like:
I’ve never known any different. These are my first memories. I do not have a memory or event that makes me feel like there is a source or reason for why I am the way that I am. We have a connection with diapers and associated little behavior in varying levels. I do not feel the need to regress to levels that I see others, but I am also still discovering what my little needs/wants and how to properly manage that experience. My little has to understand the balance that needs to exist for a healthy life.
I can run from this, I can escape it. It has been my experience that I cannot outrun my connection with diapers. I’ve tried. There have been varying degrees of “success” in separation, but when I do come back to them it is head first, like I am running back to something that feels right. I don’t always feel like I have 100% control over the decision to return. (The longer I feel this, the more I believe it is my little reaching out for time to help me get that balance back, to return to the real world, a little more level headed.) This attempt to escape and outrun it has historically led me to shame.
Deep, inner shame. While or after wearing we turn on ourselves internally. We reached for something to provide us solace, peace, and comfort. It did. The escape and balance that diapers brings only to be drowned out by the entrance of shame and self hate. “Why am I like this?!” “Why, why why?!” So many variations of the same question that lead us to continually beat ourselves up over something we feel strapped with. Something that we have varying degrees of comprehension. I know my experience has changed and evolved with both age and opportunity to network with the community and someone I can trust to communicate with. It is not easy, but I feel communicate has led to the biggest breakthrough in my own journey.
Broken. This was new to me. I have felt leaps forward in the past month or so, and during a conversation I felt broken. Something broken that had to be fixed. It flung itself in my face, and hurt. I didn’t lash out and throw a tantrum, but I did feel hurt and react accordingly. I am so torn in my approach to dealing with diapers in my life that I don’t know what the best/correct approach is. I do know that I have felt different as I have shifted from “something is wrong with me” and “how can I make this a manageable and healthy part of my life?” I feel I gave up some ground that I have worked to gain with myself and with my wife yesterday. Perhaps we tried to take too big of a step yesterday. I messed up, and have tried to make amends with my wife and myself, but it does hurt a bit inside. So I find that I turn to these blank pages to help myself (and hopefully others) begin to find the answers we are all looking for.
Wherever you are in your journey, whichever parts of this you are currently struggling with, know that you are not alone. Others have felt what you are feeling, and are there for you when you need. Reach for community, reach for loved ones, and if you pray or meditate reach for that. Ask for help, the answers will come with time and effort. We must put our part in, and the answers will come to us through that feeling that is unique to you (See Balancing Your Life and Your Little)