A teenage discovery

Depend became my brand of choice during my teenage years, or lack of choice since I knew of no other option that existed!  Yet, they existed! White, simple, with three adhesive tapes. While at one of my earliest jobs I came across a pack of Depend Maximum Protection diapers, or fitted briefs for everyone else like myself that at one point or another struggled to say the word diaper.  I don’t think it poisonous to say, but perhaps sheepish to say out of the association. Admitting what it is, and calling a diaper a diaper has been a substantial part of my progression in understanding of what “this” is, and who I am. I don’t want to wear fitted briefs, I want to be in a diaper.  That’s right, I wear diapers. (Not all the time, not even close to the majority of the time. It is a rarity and completely dependent on the occasion and a number of surrounding factors).

Perhaps it is because this is the first time I have tried to build a story line and document my story, but I find I am all over the place, and decades of thoughts, memories, and internal conversations are coming to the forefront of my mind.  I don’t think I realized how long I have wrestled with this, and where it had gotten before the day that has brought us to where we now are. I say we because it is my wife and I’s journey now. A small, subconscious and unintentional inward closing up of my body occurred when I typed that.  I am so scared, nervous, perhaps even terrified at times where I am now. Never have I been so vulnerable, but again my wife has shown how amazing she is. This has not been easy, but she has remained honest. Every conversation we have had since has been an opportunity for her to ask questions and voice concerns.  Slowly she has begun to do so, which leads me to Baby Steps.

I found a pack of Depend diapers, and I cannot recall the internal conversation or emotion, but I have to imagine it was one of bewilderment to see that there was one my size.  I had almost forgotten this part of me, as it had been dormant with so many other things happening in my life. I Carped some Diems and found myself in a bathroom, putting it on.  I remember it being so hard to use. I wanted to wear it, and I wanted to use it but the first ten years of my life had conditioned me that you couldn’t relieve yourself while you had something on.

Not able to find them anymore, I still miss the three tapes and they often cross my mind while applying a new diaper.  They were much thinner and concealable than the styles I wear now, but I am also not forcibly trying to hide them. That is a hard part of this adventure as well.  Call it daring, call it lack of subtlety, but when I wear in public I am not completely forcing it into hiding. I do not flaunt, and am not trying to get “caught” but I don’t think wearing leggings over a diaper is leaving much to the imagination.  The crinkle is so satisfying, and there are many different kinds with varying levels of noise. I have thought recently about finding something more thin and concealable that would be easier to wear out, or while working, but I have not pursued it as I don’t like to purchase in public.  I know, a cliche, an oxymoron.

Even in my most daring moments I still find how embarrassed I am with it.

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