I do not have a lot of detail about this memory, but I do remember that it happened, and in the course my story I find that this would have bearing. The first time I decided to wear a diaper around other people. (The first time I can recall anyways). Like many of my first diapers growing up, they were much too small on the account that they were made for someone much smaller than me. They ended up fitting much more like a guard if I had to describe them in such a way. They would still provide the relief to the itch that my brain was looking to scratch. I think back to the earliest days, and I cannot connect what emotion was behind it other than a drive or desire to wear them. I just wanted to. That mentality has grown as I’ve tried to further understand myself, but the core “I just want to” still persists to this day. No root cause or reason for my wearing has ever shown itself to me.
Here I am, among family that we are visiting. I occupy my time with normal things until I somehow find a diaper. I cannot recall the details. The smile it brought after I looked down from buttoning my pants back up. We then left the house, and I remembering wearing it around other people, the first time I was probably hyper self-conscious to my wearing.
Risky, you bet considering my company. Why would a much younger version of myself make that choice? Adolescence have been known to not make the most intelligent choices, but I don’t remember seeing it as a risk. Today, yes I gauge wearing in public as an opportunity with risks and benefits.
- Where am I going?
- Who might I run into?
- What else am I going to wear to cover up associated bulge or noise?
I’ve found the longer that I wear that I care less about the chance of other people seeing (within reason) as it weighs against the emotional benefit that it affords me.