Calling a spade, a spade (my little side)

All day I have wanted to be diapered.  I had even talked with my wife about it, but our morning was not what it was expected to be.  I didn’t want to add any discomfort to her, so I did what I’ve done countless times before. I internalized it, and tried to push the urge/desire/feeling to wear a diaper deep down inside.  I battled a few times throughout the morning, trying to be selfless for my wife, but oh did I want to be selfish. I wanted to wrap up and get to enjoy some padded peace/serenity as I drove.  I didn’t, because I am trying to play a long game and build a overly positive relationship between my little and my wife. I don’t know so many of the variables, but the ones I can control, when I can control them, I want to.  My wife is everything to me.

I worked hard internally to not allow how I was feeling to fester into something more, and let it just flow off my back.  I had presented my little with the future opportunity that was happening in the early afternoon. Hours where I could pad up and be able to enjoy while getting some things done.  The plan changes of yesterday cascaded into the present, and I that opportunity was taken from me. The implosion feeling in my chest began to manifest itself, but I sojourned on.  I kept myself busy with work while taking care of our kids. Time slumped by, and I remembered that I had started reading “There’s still a baby in my bed” so I grabbed it while I continued to work and highlighted away at points that Rosalie made that resonated with me or raised questions.  I’ve truly never explored my little side, so the majority of the things I read raised questions for me. Questions that I feel I will need a partner to truly find the answers to.  I did get a sneak peek of what that might be like from the events in the post “I think I met my little today” Rosalie made that resonated with me or raised questions.  I’ve truly never explored my little side, so the majority of the things I read raised questions for me. Questions that I feel I will need a partner to truly find the answers to.  I did get a sneak peek of what that might be like from the events in the post “I think I met my little today”

These feelings are not new to me, but have I never known their origin?  Or more importantly, have I never known what tool to utilize to help minimize/remove/relieve the stress and discomfort that I was experience.  I hesitate to call it pain, but I know I have put myself through pain in the past, and didn’t have the proper outlet. That is what I mean by the title of this post.  Do I know what to call this now? Can I call it for what it is? Will I be okay with admitting, opening up, and owning my little side? Will I allow my little side to help me have a healthy balance?  I must acknowledge it is very much a part of me, and let it help.

My takeaway, or what I need to be working on from this experience…

I finally got to the end of the day, dinner eaten, we watched an episode of Our Planet together, had scripture study, and then prayed together.  All of these activities ticking off from a mental list in my head of adulting tasks until I could find my little self. The moment came, diapered up with a pajama onesie on, and sat down to relax.  No more than a few minutes later, as I began to strip away the day, feel peace and comfort enter, but am I snapped back into adulting by the need of my daughter. I am happy to do it, but it was one more reminder of the primary responsibilities I have. I got her taken care of, and back in bed (albeit in onsie pajamas with a crinkle).  Now again I sit, slowly breathing, letting the cool feeling in my chest that has changed from imploding stress to the sensation of a cool glass of water after a hot day. It washes over me, comforts me, and helps me find my little, who I have been waiting to see all day!

I, for one welcome my little (underlord)!

Photo by Lukas from Pexels

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